A mothers embrace

Chapter 5 - Vulnerably Unvunrable

I felt comfortable snuggled up close to the stone-hard and ice-cold body, "oh, Bella" Esme's soft voice called through my sleep-filled mind "I'm so sorry, I have failed you, my daughter, I should never have abandoned you my child" I could hear the pain and guilt that lased her voice making my heart scream out due to the pain I had caused her "I'm never going to leave you again, I promise, sweetheart" I knew that Esme had not intended on my hearing her words but what I couldn't comprehend was why she cared so much I wasn't apart of her family. I never was, and yet here she was calling me her daughter. Yes, there was a time when I saw Esme as a mother to me but after the events of the past few months, it was clear that my feelings were not returned.

I didn't want to get up and disturb Esme, who had been silent for however many hours it had been since I had fallen back asleep. Slowly I opened my eyes rubbing the tired ache from them along with the small yellow balls of sleep that had accumulated in my tear ducts, "good morning Bella sweetheart, would you like some breakfast" her voice remained soft and low so as not to startle me as I continued to come round from my sleepy mindset, I only shook my head not having enough energy to properly muster any words as I slowly sat up "Bella, sweetheart you have to eat something it's not healthy to skip meals" I shook my head again, why would she care if I ate, why would she care if I starved to death, I was nothing to her and her family I was just, all I ever was, was just a pet.

"Why don't you come downstairs with me Bella, we need to talk about a lot" Esme squeezed me close before she let me go standing up from the bed and extending one hand to me. I knew better than to fall for this lie again so smiled politely and stood up from the bed without her help, trying to ignore the hurt look in her eyes that momentarily flashed over them, with a sad smile I was led from the room, throughout the Cullen family home and into the sitting room.

 I sat tensely on one of the sofas opposite Esme, her caramel eyes full of regret "Carlisle will be coming home tomorrow" I nodded slowly "Bella, do you want to talk now" I looked back up slowly shaking my head I knew what she wanted to talk about but I wasn't going to make myself vulnerable in front of anyone again it just hurts too much "alright, just remember Bella, you are a wonderful young woman and I will do everything I can to protect you" I wanted desperately to believe her but I believed them last time. I believed her last time, I will never make that mistake again. She must have sensed my hesitancy to believe her as she quickly sped over to me tightly wrapping her arms around me "I am so sorry Bella, I should never have left you like that"

I didn't need any of the other's gifts to know how guilty she was feeling "you weren't to know, it wasn't your fault" I quickly jumped in trying to absolve her of this guilt

"Thank you Bella you have always been so kind but I should have thought about how us just leaving would have affected you" I looked up into her eyes and could see venom building up behind her eyes "I never should have let Edward persuade me to leave you especially not without saying goodbye"

All I could do was smile as I tried to swallow down the sob that was slowly crawling it's was up my throat. "You eat hardly anything last night why don't we go into the kitchen and I can see what we have in the cupboards"

"Not hungry" was all I could squeak out, I quickly dropped my head to the floor in shame. I hadn't been hungry since they left, I could only imagine how terrible I looked, it was only three months ago when I had to take my mirror off the wall to avoid looking at it as I could stand to look at my own face

"Bella you really need to eat, I can make you something and you don't have to finish it" she smiled slightly at me before leading me into the kitchen she sat me on one of the stools before quickly getting to work some food. I  could not help but feel guilty as  I sat picking at the food she had prepared for me, Esme sat down on the stall in front of me looking at the untouched soup in front of me "Bella, you are... well you see... when I..." it surprised me to see her at such a loss for words, she was usually so calm and composed, even when we were running from James her calm exterior never faltered. 

She slowly shut her eyes taking a deep breath "Bella, I'm not going to pretend that I know what you went through and what you are going through but" she turned her head looking out the large wall window but her eyes glazed over as if looking as some distant memory "but I understand the hopelessness, the emptiness and the loneliness, the gaping hole in your chest making you feel that you will fall apart at any moment" she looked back at me I could see the venom building behind her eyes as taunting tears that will never fall "that's why I jumped, I could not stand to be in that pain anymore but Bella you are so strong" I violently shook my head, over the past months I had done stupid and dangerous stunts, not to mention I nearly jumped of a cliff. Within an instant, Esme was at my side gently cupping my cheeks with her stone-cold hands "no, no Bella my darling girl, you have kept going for so long even when it felt like there was no hope, you called when you were so close to jumping that takes so much strength and courage and makes you so strong. You kept going even when so many would have given up" I could no longer hold back my tears and broke down sobbing uncontrollably as Esme swiftly wrapped me up in her arms

"I know it's not alright now, but it's going to be, I am going to make it alright I promise you" Esme continued whispering sweet nothings in my ear as I continued sobbing.