Bleeding From The Inside

Just Visiting

I found myself in a long dark hallway. Frantically, I looked around, noticing the walls made in cement. I was in a place similar to a cellar, except the doors were open. I could walk freely. It was cold. My feet were ashy and bare, touching the floors beneath me, which was concrete. Dust came from the walls, and sounds from floor creaking could be heard, but it was distant. There was no light in this hallway. So my eyes searched for something to hold onto. I touched the walls. In another room, I heard the sound of someone crying. I was afraid to walk forward, but backward wasn't an option since it was even darker than forward. What if whatever is making them cry makes me cry? My feet clutched at the floor, which felt like sandpaper and dust. My stomach dropped, but I stood finally erect to make my first step forward. I walked with my hands on the wall. It was as if it were my first time at a skating rink. Although the wall was covered in dust, I held onto it like I couldn't walk without it. Staring at the end of the hallway, I wasn't sure if my mind was playing tricks on me or did I see some light. The crying echoed and became louder. It sounded like a little child, and now, as I continue to walk, the light becomes brighter. I'm more confident because the darkness is riding my back like a demon. I made a quick left, and there I found the crying person. I inspected the area, still not knowing where we were and why it was so dark. I wanted to make sure no one else was there, but lo, it was only the child. Her back faced me, and she cried. She was staring into a mirror uttering words I could not understand. Gently, I called out to her and reached out to touch her shoulder. She revolted and walked away.

My anxiety was getting to me. My mind was asking too many what-if questions. What if we were both kidnapped and are being trafficked? What if this is a trap? How do I get out of here? I looked away from the mirror the child was once looking into without recognizing I was even looking into my own reflection. My stare was tense, I knew I had dirt from those walls covering my hands. My mind kept screaming danger! Danger is coming! Hurry and get out of there. I could hear my breathing beating out of me like a dead heart beat. I was panicking and sweating, but I was standing still. It had to have been 5 minutes since I last seen this little girl and I am yet struggling and scared to reach out to her once more. I am now more consumed with what could be instead of what is. There appeared to be no real danger in this place and as I continued to look forward, you can clearly see there was light. I walked hastily towards it. "Hello" I said weakly. I didn't realize my voice would sound so fragile. So, I cleared my throat again and said again, "Hello?" Except this time, what came out of my mouth was a whisper. I gave up on speaking. Instead, I felt a voice saying "carry on".. it was like a whisper, but what followed that vibration was also a light. It beamed right before me as though someone found a light switch to one of the rooms and instantly saw things very clearly.

All at once, I was overemwhelmed with emotion. I looked upon the face of the child. And there, it was a little girl brutally beaten. I looked for detail in each scar so that I could know if someone had been doing this to her. Her eye was bloody, black and blue. It looked as though someone had taken a razor blade and ripped open her skin above her eyebrow. The whole thing was gory... I fell to the ground sobbing like a baby. I couldn't bare to see her face so disfigured. Her lip was busted and cut up into pieces. It was amazing she was still alive with all of these bruises. I asked God would they ever heal? As I examined this girl, I began to hear her chant, "stupid, ugly, worthless, you're a fucking failure!" I feebly crawled toward her, tears streaming down my face. My face was wet just like hers. And I cried, "who has done this to you?" I wept bitterly. I squeezed my eyes tight and there the girl stood up and stared at me. She was sad for me. I still remembered her bloody face and can only imagine how painful this all must be to even still be alive to bear it. Every cut, every bruise, every tear, it was as though I felt it myself. I screamed, now panting who did this to you? Calmly, she walks over to me. I stood to my feet and hugged her before she spoke a word. She was real. I thought I had been dreaming this whole time. She squeezed me and her body was warm and soft like a little teddy bear. She was gentle and lovely. In this embrace, she cried and whispers "you". "It was you".

I knelt down and for the first time, I looked her in the eye. A resemblance ran chills down my spine. Her eye was made the same way mine were, same texture, fluid brown in the light with a dark blue dot in the middle. The ridges of the iris could only be seen with light but from a distance, her eyes could be dreamy. She smiled at me, but some of her teeth were missing and broken. I mimicked her "I DID THIS TO YOU? ME? HANNA GABE? How?

One day, you will kill me with your cruel words. The vibration that told me to carry on began to speak. It explained that cursing myself was hurting her, every bruise, every scratch, every tear in her skin is a direct result of my negative thoughts and actions. My ears heard nothing but the vibration was too loud.

And just like that I no longer wanted to visit the place that took so long to get to in my mind, and that was my subconscious.