Bleeding From The Inside

Mirror, Mirror

"I am worthless. I am nothing. I am lazy and good for nothing. I will never  be anything. I don't deserve it anyway. If my father doesn't want me, why should anyone? I am the reason for my mother's hurt. I am not diligent enough. I am just gonna be the girl every man wants to sleep with but doesn't marry. I deserve insults and cuts to my ego. I am selfish and irresponsible." These were a load of words, but I uttered them to myself as I stared into the mirror. "Plus, I am ugly, and I can't do anything right!" I screamed in my mind. I wouldn't dare let my mother hear these words I repeated. I recently did something I shouldn't have. I was not focused on my grades enough. I should not have been speaking in class like everyone else. Now my mother is disappointed and I need to change my behavior.

I glanced at myself one last time with tears in my eyes. My spirit felt broken and torn apart. And inwardly, I said, "Ha, now that's what you get. Keep it up, and I will force you to believe it." I cried more. Sitting down on the toilet, I felt almost as though I had just lost a boxing match with someone. I told myself I needed to feel this pain. This pain was necessary to get things back on track and in order. My mother called, "Hannah! Have you finished washing up?" I lied and told her I did. I don't know why, but I could not even let myself even lift the wash cloth. It was as if I wanted to feel dirty and musky, although I really didn't. I dragged myself out of the bathroom as though I was carrying a boulder. My mother was at the door waiting. "Awwww, it looks like you have been crying. Just look at your face, and eww, you still smell of musk.. let's go back to the bathroom to freshen up. What's wrong?" I felt miserable. Do I tell her how earlier her words felt like a sword piercing my skin. I know she would be disappointed, but did she have to say it like that? I just feel empty inside. The one person I love the most I can not please. I keep making foolish mistakes. How does this keep happening? Did she have to give me the silent treatment just to express my feelings? I am a bad child. I never do anything right.

Why is this so? I sunked my head to the floor. My eyes swelled up again, and I remembered the way I looked in the mirror and the pain of those words. There I was, lying again. "Mom, I lied. I didn't take a shower like you told me yet, and now it's too late. I'm sorry. " She looked at me with a serious face. "It's okay, you don't need to worry about that. We just need to get out of here. " We laughed together. See, that's why I loved my mom. She always made me feel safe and happy. She is my joy. When she's happy, I'm happy. When she's upset, well, you get the picture. I will never leave her, and I will always be there for her. I am her light. She says that to people. I am God's gift to her, and she is God's gift to me. I want to spend every moment with her. At night, I sneak into bed with her so that I can cuddle with her at night. I like to feel her warm body against mine. It's like anytime I have a nightmare, every one of them are gone when she's next to me. My mom is the type of mom who rubs my belly when I have gas or I'm hungry. She tucks me in at night and reads me my favorite stories. Since I have learned to read, I read to her sometimes. I also learned how to write so I also write to her. I sang songs with her all day long, and we laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore. My mom listens to me. And I mean really listens. She's not like other adults who only get quiet and stare at me. She interacts with me and asks me questions, and if I have a problem, she tries to help me solve it even if it is something humbling to her. She apologizes when she realizes she hurt my feelings.  All of this makes me feel like I just owe her the world, and when I get old enough to give her the world, I will. I will love my mom to death!

This is why I must be good by all means necessary.