Bleeding From The Inside

First Day of School

"Mom, why can't you just come with me? Is it safe? How long do I have to be here? Can you come?" I pleaded with my mom to walk with me on the first day of school. However, she had a choice to make, be late to work on her first day or take me to school? I didn't care about no job. This place was scary, and I couldn't believe I would be left there without my mom.

I thought of being without her and cried. It felt as though she was dying. I would never get the chance to see her again. Days are already long with her, but I would be much longer without her. What if I don't like it? Who will I tell? I always liked my mom's cooking. What if I starve to death? My mom squeezed me tight and walked me to the corner where she caught the bus, and I walked into my school. My teacher was there just as she had been before. Other parents were there smiling and waving. Some children were running and screaming. Some were standing in lines. Some children hid behind their parents and loved ones. There were a number of fathers who showed up. One father in particular knelt down and smiled gently at his daughter. She had her face to the ground before then. I was too far away to hear his words, but he lifted her close and hugged her. Her face lit up and had been giggling every since. He walked her up to the teacher and placed her little hand in the teachers.  Before he left, he knelt down again and smiled at her. This time, I heard him call her a little princess. She believed him. She held her head high. Grown ups were always so much bigger than us, and it was a wonder how gentle they always are.

I don't think I ever paid attention to anyone's family like that before. I didn't notice that people had their dads, not before now. My dad was in New York. He told me he was locked up last time I talked to him on the phone. I don't know what that even means. Did he mean he died? I mean, why else couldn't he be here with me? Maybe it was because he was sick? The last time I saw him, he came to where me and mommy lived. We had a brand new house by the way. Mommy was on a roll. We were sleeping on the floor at the time and he bought me a cake. When I saw him at the door, I shouted "daddy!" I ran up to him and wrapped my legs around him. He picked me up so easily. My mom struggled lifting me, but to him, I was light. He screamed and laughed out loud! He had the best laugh I ever heard. In fact, I wanted to laugh just like him. He told me he would stay forever and we would live together. If I ever needed him, all I had to do was call. I fell asleep in his arms that night and I still remember his scent. It was a strong one too. When I told him about it, he put his cologne on me. My dad was silly just like me. I remember feeling safe and wanted, cuddled in his arms that night. I climbed up on his chest in the middle of the night although we slept on the floor and fell asleep.

"Brrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiknnnnnngggggllldiknnnng" the sound of an alarm went off and nearly sent me into a panic. I didn't realize I had been daydreaming. It was time to go inside finally. The school smelt like old metal and maybe soggy bread. That soggy bread that was about to be my breakfast. It was donuts!

It was exciting to be around children who thought like me. We all shouted for joy when we thought we were doing something fun. We had lots of time to get to know each other. I was afraid of everyone and wanting my mommy. So when it was time to play, I sat alone with my head on my desk. I was crying because I wanted my mommy. I was so scared. Everyone was looking at me. Some children said mean things. Teachers were always busy doing something and my mommy wasn't there to help me calm down and make me feel happy. I needed her. How did they expect me to survive here? I thought about our memories together. I had hopes that at least my memories would make me feel better, but I felt worse because I didn't know when I would see her again. I went to lunch and sat alone in a crowd of maybe 100 children. Grownups yelled at children, and children did the most ridiculous things. One little boy stood on top of the table. Another girl purposely spilled her chocolate milk. Some children were making fun of others and some were like me sitting alone. That is until this girl came to sit next to me. She was scared just like me. I recognized her from the lineup outside. Her father called her princess. I remember. I thought that was a very beautiful moment. It touched my heart.