Hunger Games (Peeta's POV)

15

I can't tell if minutes, hours, or days are passing. All that registers in my mind is the torture I'm being subjected to. There is no physical pain, but every image brings me further and further from reality. 

I think it's over when I wake to find Katniss beside me. She stares at me with a smile, when suddenly, the smile morphs into a scream. Marvel's spear enters her heart before I can stop it. Her head falls to my lap and I spend her remaining moments trying to stop the bleeding from her chest. However long passes like this, constant images of losing her, of her abandoning me, of me being the one to kill her. I can feel myself losing touch with reality by the time I come to. 

I'm lying in the same clearing Cato left me in, which leads me to believe everyone still alive is still recovering from the Tracker Jacker venom. I try to force myself upwards, but the pain from my leg is blinding. I can't even force myself to look at the wound. I drag myself in the direction of water, knowing days without water is going to kill me soon. 

I cry out with every movement, but do make it to the water. I haul myself into the mud, dragging it over my limbs, camouflaging myself as well as I can as my hands shake. I drag the colors over my arms and face trusting my memory and luck will make me blend in. Hours later, I let myself sink into the ground, feeling satisfied with my work. 

I stare at the sky where the seal of the Capitol will show tonight. I have no way to know who's alive, who's dead, who made it through the Tracker Jacker attack. I have no way to know if she's okay. Alive or not alive. I just know I have to lay here and wait for death to find me. There's nothing else I can do. Every movement brings a searing pain to my leg. So, I lay there. I think of Katniss, trying to erase the damage of the venom. I imagine all the moments I'd seen her alive.

I think of the day of my wrestling match, the one where I'd gotten second only to my brother. I'd been in the locker room, wrapping my hand, making sure I was ready. I knew I could beat him, I knew I could do it. I was stronger than him, I put in more hours. He was always off trying to impress whatever girl would pay him mind. But, me, I'd been focused. The one girl I wanted was far out of my reach. So, I channeled my focus into wrestling. It was something that got me out of the house and away from my mother. That truly was enough for me. 

I wrapped my hand until our coach opened the door, letting the light into the small room I was in. My brother walked out of a similar room across from my own. We both walked towards the mat, staring into each others eyes. I knew he was doing it to intimidate me. To make me doubt myself. But, I was strong and sure, I knew I could do this. 

The cheering of the crowd did little to distract me. I could hear our respective friends cheering our names, but I didn't pay them much mind. Our eyes connected and he pounced. I easily escaped him, letting him chase me for a few steps. But, then we connected, me overpowering him easily. I threw him toward the ground, holding him there, looking up only to catch my breath when I saw her. 

She was sitting beside Madge, staring off into space. But, she was there and she was going to watch me win. But, that moment of hope was enough of a distraction for my brother to throw me off of him and to the ground. In the end, he won. But, she was there and that was enough for me. 

After, I stood outside of the gym with my friends. Them busy talking about how exciting it is when there's an event to go to. But, my mind was anywhere but on their conversation. 

I watched her retreating back, as she walked home alone. 

I watched her walk that path a lot. From the school and over a hill. I never followed, I simply watched. I would die never knowing where she lived, what the Seam was like. I'd spent the entirety if my life avoiding it. My mother had told us of the awful, greedy people that lived there. She made it sound as though it was entirely separate from our part of the district. As though we were better than them. 

I knew better, my father had taught me better. Knowing Katniss was from the Seam taught me better. But, I still had never had a reason to venture into the seam. 

As night fell,I stared into the sky for the anthem. Not a face showed in the sky, it wasn't enough to convince me that she was alive though. 

I drank as much water as I could handle before sleep, but avoided food. The thought of eating made me sick. I fell asleep that night, hoping for the pain in my leg to end.