Chiara Rose

otto

tw - mention of anger issues & mature scenes

Rocco's POV

I'm a dickhead.

Cockhead, wanker, fucktard, whatever kind of insult you can think of, I probably am. My Dad likes to call me a pezzo di merda, a piece of shit. None of these things would be wrong.

On any normal day, especially a few days ago, these words would've somehow resonated with me. But as of more recently, like yesterday and today, they are probably the perfect word to describe me.

I'm not going to try and deny it, I have been a nuisance recently. Especially ever since Chiara came home. I've been cold to her. On purpose as well. And it makes me an extremely shitty brother. It makes me a shitty person in general.

I can see the impact my idiotic tendencies are having on her as well. Every time I ignore her, I can basically see her shrink back into herself. Every time I say something snarky, and completely unnecessary to her I can see the way she slightly flinches.

I mean, yeah, of course, it makes me feel sick knowing I'm the reason she's feeling like that. But I'm being selfish, I'm being an aquila to her because I'm scared to lose her. I'm scared that if I get close to her, she'll leave again and it'll hurt me again. And I can't go through that pain again.

(eagle - culturally used to call someone very stupid)

It's an idiotic move on my half, I know that, but I can't not do it. I'm too scared to get close to her.

I mean, sure, I was only like four when Rosalia took her and ran off. But Chiara and I were close, in an odd way. We'd argue, a lot, we'd push each other buttons. Dad used to talk about how he'd have to separate us, and how we were never allowed to sit next to each other at dinners and stuff.

Dad could tell I had some sort of anger issues long before Chiara disappeared, but Rosalia taking Chiara only made them worse. I became angry, all the time.

And I still feel angry all the time. And it's absolutely fucking exhausting. I'd do anything just to try and feel something else for once. I tried those dumb pills my therapist prescribed me, but they made everything foggy. They made everything numb. At least this way, I still feel something. Even if it's shitty.

By pushing Chiara's buttons, I'm half hoping she'll lash back out at me. That she'll say something snarky back, and show me that the 2-year-old Chiara I knew is still in there. But I know the chances of that are slim to none.

I don't have a problem with people talking, or with her talking in general. But I'd be lying if her Australian accent didn't make me feel sick. The accent acts as a constant reminder of all the stuff we missed. All because Rosalia had a tantrum, and took it out on Chiara.

I suppose you could say I'm doing the same thing as Rosalia, having a tantrum and taking it out on Chiara. But I would prefer it if I wasn't compared to that shitty excuse of a human.

At least I have a somewhat reasonable excuse. What was her excuse, she just didn't like her children? To be fair, I wouldn't like me either.

I wasn't lying when I said the other fuckers drove off without me, they really did. They thought they were so funny locking the doors and driving away. I could still hear Bruno cackling to himself when they were halfway out of the parking lot.

Then I felt shitty because I didn't feel like or want to sit in a car ride home with Chiara. And it wasn't for selfish reasons, it was for her. Although I do sometimes say shitty things on purpose, sometimes they also come out without me even realising it. Half the shit that comes out my mouth I don't have the time to process. It's just out, bam, and then I've hurt another person.