A poem for a thought.

Another day. 2/14/23

1
And 2
And then 3
Blood comes out. Suddenly I am 8 years old again.
4th cut
5th cut
6th cut
The dance cannot be undone. That strange metal smell comes near my nose.
7th mistake
8th mistake
9th mistake
Would Jesus forgive me? Would he say this is a sin. I cannot believe in him anymore if he's causing this child to hurt.
10th scar
11th scar
12th scar
This will stay on my left arm forever. Thank nature and the creators of alcohol. Thank the creators of cotton balls.
13th mark
14th mark
15th mark
My bedsheets are getting bloody. And my only excuse will be that I got my period. Even if it was already done with.
16th line
17th line
18th line
Wait till I cut deep enough to cause damage.
19th burn
20th burn
21st burn
How have I been making as much of bloody marks for years. Well if I go any longer we'd be at least to 200. I've cut deep enough and so closely met the deadline. Grim reaper was holding my hand just then.
Valentines was never easy. No one liked me enough to ask and not even my friends. Is this the bullshit a kid at any age endures? What happened to passing cards around in elementary and candy? Why can't we do that now? I want to at least feel a little bit special that someone even got me anything. But when I see no one in eye sight to give me shit, I am devastated.

Do I have to make myself vomit again?
Do I have to stop eating again?
Does my diet have to consist of gum and water?
Am I done hating myself for not being pretty enough for anyone?
Why do I bother at this point?
I'd wish myself dead since 6 years old. I would wish to go to sleep for years and never have to wake up. Seeing sleeping beauty I thought how lucky she was, sleeping for a hundred years. But I didn't want to sleep that long and come back. I would have loved sleeping a hundred years and my body's again reaching its limit. I wish I had friends who did know what to say instead of "sorry I don't know what to say" or just completely ignore me.

Don't hug me.
Don't touch me.
You are a disease. I cannot touch you. I cannot be near you. You cause me to get mad when you ignore me but you know I cannot always be angry. So that's why you always try cheering me up. And then I forget all about what you caused me to feel.
You don't even know that you cause me this hurt.
That's why it's so easy for you to just act like everything is okay. But when I'm okay for once, something goes wrong and I'm reminded of how you made me feel during lunch and after. Don't touch me or tell me anything like you know me. I am a weapon, no longer a friend. Treat me like shit and I'll take it for a while. Soon, I'll self destruct and kill my identity. No longer the girl you know or knew.

Ha it's funny!
Because you've never really known me.
All you see of me is a hypersensitive girl who gets mood swings constantly and leaves the classroom, and leaves everyone speechless when she finish bursts out, and being asked constantly what was wrong.
Well it was always you.
Always the teachers.
Always most of the friends I sit with at the table.
Always those 2, who are a couple.
Always those other 2 who think I'm weird.
Always them who just watch me cry and do nothing. A waste of 200 bucks am I right?
How do you think I feel today?
How does my mom feel about my grades going down?
Well not much because she doesn't even know.
Hyper sensitive girl breaks today.
End
8:19 pm