Brothers to rescue

4 - anxiety

Despite the fact that I had a panic attack today, after a long long time, I felt happy. Lilian is really nice company. She still doesn't know about Noël and Shawn being my brothers tho. I am not planning on telling her, I want her to see me as the person I am, not as the sister of 'the popular boys'.

This time it's not me waiting for Shawn to ride me home, but him waiting for me.

'Finally! it took you long enough clo.' He says.

I simply nod and enter the car.

My middle name is Clover, meaning 'meadow flower'. My mom loved flowers so she wanted to call me that. My dad didn't agree, because he wanted to call me Meril. Dad won the argument and now my middle name is clover. It's pretty simple.
When my brothers were young, Noël didn't know how to pronounce 'Meril' so he called me Clo from the name Clover.
I don't know why Shawn also calls me that, but you know? There are other things to worry about.

Shawn also enters the car and connects his music to the car. We're both not really talkative so I stare out of the window listening to the music. As my thoughts win.

We live in a cruel world.

Most of the time we get judged on who we are, what we wear, how we act, what we look like and who our friends are. You have to think twice by everything you say or do. It's how I look at the world.

It's the anxiety that controls me. I've always had anxiety, even though I didn't notice. 3 years ago the anxiety started to control me. I cared about others opinions more the ever.

My brother Noël noticed and he helped me a little. He didn't know how bad it actually was.

At one point I was tired of feeling judged all the time, tired of caring. I stared to wear black clothes, I didn't speak as much as I used to, I wanted to be invisible.

I think I almost fell into a depression? I Don't know what rescued me. I just grew out of it I guess? I probably sound really confusing right now haha.

I found my passion, something that maked me happy. That still does:) murder and crime. I obvious don't want to be a criminal or something. It just interest me.

When I discovered this passion I started to see the light in the dark. I am still trying to brighten the light, till there's no dark left.

The mean and cruel people will not dissappear. I don't understand why you want to bring people down for your own good? Not everyone can handle the hate and they will lose themselves. Like I did.

I want to study criminology later, learn about the thoughs of this criminals. Maybe even help them by leading the way to the good path.

I'm still not really recovered from my own problems. Sometimes it feel like I fall into that dark hole again. But I try to climb out of that hole again, again and again. It's really tiring. I don't have space for friends, who I need to give my energy to.

Noël doesn't know that I still struggle with anxiety. Not as much as I used to thankfully. He cares to much about his popularity at school. I Don't judge him. It are my problems, that i need take care of. Although it's really hard.

**

I sit on the ground in my bedroom with my head leaning against the wall. The sheets of my bed are in the washing machine.

'UGH!' I grown.

I had bumped my head against the windowstill when I tried to get up. I kick against the the wall.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I feel sad and annoyed at the same time. The panic attack and the depressing thoughts has brought me down.

I am standing in my room with my hands in my hair. I wish I could turn my mind off for a while.

I walk downstairs and enter the living room. Noël is typing away on his phone in the kitchen and Shawn is probably upstairs.

I let myself fall on the couch. I grab my notebook to write a poem.

'Clo! What do you want to eat tonight?' Noël asks as he sits besides me.

I shrug.

'You're in a mood today.' He says. 'I'll just order pizza then.'

'By the way, please tell that girl Lilian to f*ck off.' He says irritated.

'Huh?' I ask.

'Now she listens.' He says smirking.

'No seriously, what did she do?'

'Just being a big fan girl.'

'Oh well, I can't help you with that, you're being arrogant Noël.'

He looks at me shocked.

'What?! Why are you so irritated? You're on your period or something?' He asks.

I ignore him and roll my eyes.

**

A/N: this was about anxiety. It's something that has a huge impact on your life. I believe that more attention should be paid to it.