helping while in pain

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tw: ed (bulimia), sh scar mentions? (yall r so fucked up)

As I head out of Y/n's room, I hear the door lock behind me. Tommy... poor kid. He's had so much happening around him his whole life that you can't really blame him for being addicted to something. I'm just glad it's not drugs. Obviously smoking isn't good, but I'd rather have him smoke than accidentally overdose on heroin.

I go downstairs. To my surprise, Dream and George have stopped making out. Actually, they're just not here. They're really going for a second round already, huh? (#dee en ef)

I knock on the bathroom door and hear it unlock immediately.

Now, I'm not too drawn towards a sexual relationship, but holy shit did Y/n look good.

She had taken off her dress and thrown it in the tub, only covering her legs with a towel. The only thing showing was a red and black laced brazier. She's attractive, that's no doubt, but holy fuck is she hot...

"Uhh... my eyes are up here, Willy!" she says snapping her fingers and pointing to her eyes. "Willy?" I repeat her, laughing at the ridiculous nickname. "Yes. Now, what dress did you pick?" she asks excitingly. God, is her smile worth a billion and more...

"NO WAY! That's the one Tom bought me, oh my god! I've never worn it because of the price. I'm sure I'm gonna spoil it." she says grabbing it. "But... uhh... there's an issue..." she says, looking down at her chest and then at the dress. "Uhh... the red?" she says. She clearly noticed my confusion before deciding to explain.

"Does it matter? I mean, everyone is practically black out drunk, so no one will give a shit. Plus, red suits you..." I say with a low voice, basically seducing Y/n. "The most erotic colour of all. No man can resist, huh?" she says, pushing her finger against my chest, signalling that I need to leave. "Yeah, I definitely can't." I say, turning around and right before leaving, giving her a wink.

God, what the fuck?

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Y/n POV

He winked at me as he exited. Fuck, this man is undeniably attractive.

I lock the door and look at myself in the mirror. I feel the happiness drain out of me when I see my reflection. I've gained weight, I know I have, but I just look fat. I drop the towel from my hips to reveal stripy, fat thighs. The scars are all mostly healed, but you can still see them.

I grab the dress from the toilet seat, where I had set it after Will left, and open up the toilet. I start tearing up a bit as I stick two fingers down my throat and all of the alcohol leaves my body. I had eaten a small protein bar as well, just to calm my hunger. It all came up and down the toilet.

All of my "progress" down the drain, huh? Doesn't matter. It's not like I ever wanted to get better. Stop self harming or purging.

As I pant and cry a bit, I flush the toilet and go to the sink. I brush my teeth quickly and put cold water on my eyes so that I wouldn't look as if I were crying. I look in the mirror and don't see myself, but it doesn't matter. As long as the girl in the mirror looks un-ill, I don't care.

I quickly put on the dress and fix it up a bit. It's pretty, but definitely not worth three fucking hundred pounds.

I unlock and open the door, and walk out. I go to the living room where I spot Toby and Val. "Y/n!" Toby shouts through the music. I run up to him and Val and strangle them both in a hug. I hadn't seen them much tonight, so this was nice. "Oh god, where have you been? I've been here since like eight, it's now quarter past ten and I'm seeing you for the first time!" Val says.

"I was pushed in a pool, Val!" I scream loudly, so that they could hear me through the music. Val looks a bit shocked, but moves on pretty quickly. "I would push you again, but Tommy said that this dress is unimaginably expensive." Toby says. "Aww... hell yeah, it was. It was THREE. HUNDRED. POUNDS." I say.

Val nods, knowing the prices of dresses, but Toby looks quite pleased. "I'll pay him extra." he says as he picks me up slightly and drags me outside and to the pool. "Toby, please!" I whisper, knowing he'll listen if it sounds genuine. He puts me down and apologises a million times, admitting he's also had a few drinks.

-

I've been standing in a lonely corner for quite a while now. Val and Toby were off with Tom, Wilbur was with Shelby and everyone else who I wanted to talk to seemed intimidating. Ran, Bill and Aimee seemed to be very happy with their trio, Guqqie only really interacting with Aimee, as she was hammered and couldn't really talk.

I wanted to get stupid drunk. Test someone. Test what would happen if a hot piece of ass was drunk at a party where multiple men couldn't wait to take her due to there own intoxication.

I look up slightly to see Karl looking over me. He's not much taller than me, but looking up is still necessary. "Hey, Karl! Why aren't you with Nolan? Or Nick or Alex, really?" I ask. He's a homie hopper, what can I say.

"Oh... uhh... we fucked up a bit, but why aren't you with Will?" he asks. He takes alcohol surprisingly well. "He's with others at the moment, but, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you fuck up?" I ask, not wanting to think about Will and Shelby's flirtatious behaviours.

"Well, I'm ace, as you know, but I'm in a relationship with Nick. He wanted to... have relations with someone to get his "needs pleased" and I, as a guy who's had this excuse used on him before, didn't wanna allow him. I said I would if I could just go on a date with Nolan or something, but he got pissed at me. I don't get it. If he's allowed, why shouldn't I be?" Karl explains.

-
11:36pm

Karl and I talked until about 11:15pm. I helped him with his shit and he just kind of admired my dress for a bit. Everyone's gathered outside for the fireworks, but I don't wanna go. I wanna go lay down somewhere. I wanna go away. I wanna move on from winter and go straight to the summer. I fucking hate winter.

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im having rly bad seasonal depression, so im sorry if the book's been bland.

i love generation loss and im so excited for the sorry boys!!!

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