downfall.

his excuses.

tw/cw ;; religious trauma things 

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Many a person has told me, "Look to God, and He will give answers." What answer has He given me except for silence. What ANSWER does He give the traumatized, queer child in the sermon except for constant, unending silence? They say He has a reason for everything. They think it comforts me. However, it does quite the opposite. It tells me, you had to be this way, this was always going to be your fault, nothing you could've done is going to make this wound better. But go ahead, give your superficial smiles and say God was going to heal me.

They say miracles happen. For me they never did. Not through His hand. They said that He would help me. But there was no metaphorical hand reaching out from the sky to help pluck me from the depths of my mind. My work and my strength is entirely my own, not of some 'omniscient being' that was supposed to heal the sick. I was apart of those who were sick. Or what I was always told. That my mind was an unending plague of darkness that no prayer could heal. Every youth pastor scowled at my many, quietly desperate questions, to find a resolution among the dust.

To say I'm tired is an understatement. To say I'm angry is such a far fetched understatement. To hear the many who say my faith is of the devil, to hear the many who try to push me back in that direction. You have the audacity to shriek at me for my faith, however fail to recognize the failure that yours has brought me.

My gods answered, your God did not. My gods have given me strength, they have given me support. They have answered at my darkest moments. Your God did not. He has done nothing but disappoint, He has done nothing but be a pathetic excuse of a 'healer'. You can place all the bibles in my hands that you wish, but all I'll do is put them in the furious bonfires of my mind. I sit with the reminder of your god never doing a damn thing. I sit with the reminder of your God sitting idly by while I suffered.

The hypocrisy is never stagnant with your kind. You use the phrase of turning the other cheek to gaslight those who had been hurt and abused, you tell us we cannot be angry but we have to be kind. Why should I be kind to someone who altered how my brain behaves? If anything, all of you are just complacent.

The more crueler parts of your society would tell me I didnt do enough, but what is enough? A deity's complacence is not the fault of a child. Of which I was. And still feel like I am. The childhood that I unfortunately cannot remember, because of the ever so complicated things that are trauma and PTSD. How dare you fault a child for something they couldn't control, how dare you fault a child for the things they couldnt defend themself against.

Oh, and it only gets worse from here. You claim acceptance but refuse my identity, you claim kindness until it's my illness of identity that is unworthy. It's a double standard all around, but you act like your cultish regime isnt anywhere to be found. It's not the satanists these days, abusing the children and casting almost half of them astray. It's the people in power. It's the people who can cover up the dirt and sweep it under the rug, it's the people who can hand off a check and then never hear from the person again.