[ONGOING]
Davina Claire, the new girl who is kind and has a wonderful soul. She had recently transferred from an all-girls school to Greston Academy because she was tormented and teased there and would hide in the restrooms. She used to let other p...
It has been a few hours since I got home. Dad and my sister Rose, were out somewhere and my mum was at work. She should get back really soon and when she does I need to ask her about the birthday party if I can go or not. Most likely she'll probably say no but you never know, her answer can be very surprising sometimes also the things she says.
I don't really like parties due to past experiences but it's been a while since I've gone and plus it's Ryan's birthday party so I wouldn't want to miss that. If in case my mother says I can go, then I would be a little scared cause parties can be fun but also can be scary at the same time. There's always that thought inside of your head and sometimes it's just scary. I'm always afraid of it.
That fear never goes away. It's always there. My thoughts are slowing consuming me and I hate every single bit of it. I want to be a normal teenager but I can't even be that since my past is coming to haunt me every moment of my life. Will it ever stop? Will the pain ever go away?
Lost in thought, I found myself staring at the ceiling, ruminating on the same questions. I tend to overthink things, and it only worsens the situation. If only I could quiet my mind, maybe then I'd find some peace. But here I am, grappling with my consuming thoughts, which seem to have a life of their own. It's frustrating, to say the least. As my stomach grumbled, signaling hunger, I was reminded of the physical toll my mental state was taking on me.
I hate when it does that but I don't blame it, I blame myself because I didn't eat anything after coming from school. It can be really hard sometimes to eat. Some people say words from other people don't affect you as much but when it comes from your own mother then it hurts quite a lot.
That pain knowing you will never be the perfect daughter that they wanted hurts so much. I try a lot to be that daughter but it never works out. Something always has to come ruin all the efforts and hard work I put in it so I just gave up. I gave up trying. I stopped trying to be the perfect daughter because either way she was going to say words to me that would stab me like a knife in my heart. I gave up.
I wanted to do my own things because this life you only get once, so you may as well fuck it and fuck everyone else and do the things that make you happy. Other than money, love and happiness is important to survive in this world because if you don't have that then what's the point of life?
You'll just be utterly alone and I think that's what everyone including me has a fear of. A fear of being alone and no one to be there to hold your hand when you need it the most. I never got my mother's love the way my siblings got it but my father and my siblings love yes was there for me but it's not the same as a mother's love.
Someone to talk to when you're sad or even going through something. Someone to sit down and hold your hand to tell you that everything will be okay. Someone to tell you that everything will be fine and that you can get through whatever you're fighting through.
Never got that. I do sometimes wish till this day that she'll understand me and she will notice that I'm trying. I'm just holding onto that little rope of hope. It's slowing slipping away from my hand but I have got the grip on it, keeping it close, trying to not let go.
As I was thinking about this, my stomach made even more noises. I decided to go downstairs to the kitchen and make some food, not just for me but for my mother too. I know as much as I dislike her actions and the words she says to me but she's still my mum. I can't stop caring about her. I know she's going to be here soon and she's going to be tired from work so I may as well make some food so she doesn't have to make it.
It was about 15 to 20 minutes later, and I had made dinner for me and my mum. I knew she was going to be a little late so I just decided to grab a plate and put the food on there. As I sat down on the dinner table, just about to eat my food, I hear someone walk in. It was my mother.
"Hey. You're back. How was - " As I was just about to say my sentence I get cut off by her saying this, "You're eating again."
"Um. I was just hungry so I thought I just come down and eat something." I said in a quiet voice as I tried to avoid eye contact with her.
"When are you not hungry?" She says to me as she comes towards me. I take a deep breathe from the inside, trying so hard to not get a single tear from my eyes.
"I haven't eaten all day." I muttered whilst having the spoon held in the air.
"Am I suppose to believe that?" She says to me in a angry voice.
"Yes." I said quietly as I looked down at the dinning table. My nails cutting into my hips, water forming into my eyes but forcing them to not drop.
"How can I trust you if you don't even listen to me?" She says to me.
I do listen to her. I always did in the past but I got so fed of up the way she was treating me so I stopped. I know what she's going to say so I don't bother because I'm tired. I'm tired of everything.
"You never did trust me from the very start." I said while getting up from the dinner table with the food in my hand. I walk towards the kitchen and I grab a plate to cover the food up with because I wasn't in the mood to eat anymore.
"You are the problem." She said. My heart dropped. These type of words hurt me more than anything. She says this sometimes and every time it hurts like hell. She's convinced me that I am the problem for everything. The words she says is the reason why I am like with so many problems in my life.
I grab my phone from the dinner table and I just run up to my room. I open the door to my room and I fall straight onto my bed. I felt the tears dropping out of my eyes, and they weren't stopping. They kept on going over and over again. This type these tears aren't going to stop.
Why am I never enough? What do I do to make her proud of me? I've tried everything. Am I really that bad? Am I the problem? All these voices haunting and screaming at me in my head. I just wanted these voices to stop.
I wanted all of it to stop...
♡
┏━• Authors Note •━┓
Thank you so much for reading this chapter. Sorry if this chapter is really short. The next one for sure will be a lot longer <3
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I'll see you guys very soon. Bye :)
Word Count ( 1300, unedited )
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