BRUISES

| Forty-One |

A few months later...

    The strong silence is embedded inside me. I wish I could walk off the stage and bury myself under a thick layer of snow until the voices in my head quiet down. Swallowing the thick bile in my throat echoes through the microphone.

    "Uhm," I begin at first, staring at Darin in the crowd as he gestures a gentle nod. Next to him is Juliana—a lively smile and red cheeks puckering her full face. My clammy fingers graze the cover of my book as I feel the thickness, the pages, and blindly read the words printed on it.

    My breathing grows heavy but when I look at familiar faces in the crowd—I can't let any of them down. Parents and classmates I have grown with in this stubborn town. It took me years to pull myself together and come here as part of the tour.

    The words spill out of my mouth, "I would like to thank the girls for helping me write this." Tears slowly well in my eyes as I glance down at my shoes and stutter step. I flaunt the book in the air for a second before keeping it at my side, "When people leave, we cannot stop moving. Not move on but hold ourselves accountable for what happened. I shouldn't have blamed myself but when it comes to losing the closest people in your life—it's an acceptable reaction. I never expected myself to be standing here in front of hundreds of people about a story that should've happened. I wondered how it would've been if the girls weren't so stubborn and followed each other and actually listened to themselves." I tap on the book, "The girls could've still been here."

    Juliana dabs the bottom of her eyes with a tissue. Darin wraps an arm around her and rubs her shoulder. My knees have grown unsteady, and I want to collapse on the stage and melt on the floorboards. I watch as Penelope's mother begin to cry.

    "Every day I wake up and think what I could've done better. I hope you all understand that I'd give anything to have them here instead of..." I trail off when I stare down at the book. "I hope they're somewhere happy, either on the beach or in the back of the truck on a hot summer night. Maybe playing in the water in Hawaii. I hope this town heals and the families heal as much. I hate for what I said and for what I did. I wish they were selfish enough to stay with me...I mean us."

    I run the teeth between my bottom lip and sigh, "I don't deserve this at all. But for them, I have officially announced my writer's name as Theodora Adler. Thank you."

    For the first few seconds, I can't move because my feet have glued themselves to the floor. I stare off into the dim room and squint from the light blazing on me. Suddenly, Juliana stands and begins to clap. Then Darin and my agent Francine and every other person in the crowd.

    Clenching onto my heart, I begin to struggle to breathe, and Darin comes up from the stairs and guides me down.

    A voice follows on the microphone, "We will be having a five-minute intermission and Marie with be taking book signings at the back table."

    I go into the backroom with Darin and he places me on the couch. I try not to ruin my eye makeup while Darin kneels down in front of me and cups my hands together. He kisses my fingertips and inhales deeply.

    "I'm so proud of you." He reminds me—says it almost every day when we wake up.

    I can't say anything or even have the ability to talk. All I do is nod and take sips of water to get the spoiled taste out of my mouth. He sits in front of me and rubs my knees in silence until it's time to go back out.

    At the table, I talk to old neighbors, classmates and parents. I sign their books and new ones sitting on the table. I greet unfamiliar faces and laugh with old ones. Juliana is next in line and I run my fingers over the damaged, folded post it notes sticking out of the book.