The New Golden Age

Game Over

It's definitely been a minute.

Come to find out that she wasn't really playing a game, in fact, I was never even part of the game if there even was one.

Apparently, I'm absolutely nothing to her or anyone here. I'm completely background noise. Granted a couple of the boys here genuinely care and check in on me from time to time, and yes, one of the reasons I ran from Indiana was because I was tired of the history and the memories and drama and I just wanted to have a semi-normal life but I never thought I would become so irrelevant.

I don't even want to be the center of attention or have any spotlight, but I would at least like to be on somebody's mind. And again, the few times I do pop up it's only because somebody needs my help with their chemistry homework. Granted, it's geochemistry homework but I'm still no expert. But it always comes full circle. The only time people want to spend time with me is to use me, other than that, I'm not even worth an afterthought.

And I'm sure it sounds like I'm exaggerating, and even this will sound like an exaggeration but I promise it's the truth, every social function I've gone to, every party and potluck with department, I might be able to start or join part of a conversation and then just as quickly I'm just background. They'll just close the circle and keep talking amongst each other. Everyone in their groups and social circles and no matter how much I try to get involved I just get slowly closed out and I'm left standing there like an idiot.

We have a weekly colloquium with guest speakers and we have a small social before it starts and we all have snacks and coffee before it starts. At first, my crush, Maria, would come down from her office and we'd spend some time talking before she'd have to go but now she rarely ever comes down and the groups I used to talk to all the time just shut me out so I'm always just standing there eating by myself.

And, of course, since I'm not expert and I'm not even a real geoscientist, it's not like anybody comes looking for me for help because I still don't even know what the fuck I'm even doing. My slight experience in chemistry has made just adequate enough to handle early basic geochemistry so I've helped Maria and some of her friends with the homework but that's all I'm called on for. Never for anything else. Nobody asks to hang out or go to the movies or for lunch. Nobody comes to just talk and bond. And I completely understand everyone is focused on their work and people are busy, at least that's what I tell myself, I see everyone going out to parties and concerts every week. It's not even like I've made enemies or anything or done something to make people avoid me, I haven't even had time to even meet a majority of the department still.

I've felt alone when my friend left the first time but that's different. When I was alone then, I was completely alone with no one to turn to. Now, I'm surrounded by so many people, and yet I'm completely alone and unwanted. That's a whole different kind of alone and it somehow feels worse. I don't want to leave, I still believe Arizona is a hell of a lot better than Indiana, but this department, these scholars are completely cold. I don't know if the chemistry department will be any different but I need another change of environment.

I thought spending time with my crush Maria would be fun and great but when I realized I'm not even a thought in her head, that's just painful. My first big crush here in AZ, and I'm nothing to them. And I know it's a big crush because I have to keep reminding myself that I don't even want to chase after anyone again and yet that's all I want to do. Like I want to keep trying, but I know it's futile and it'll make no difference at all. Every time, like anyone else, I always think maybe this is it and then I'm quickly disappointed and broken. And every time, I truly wonder whether I'm just supposed to truly be forever alone. I honestly don't think there's anyone out there for me. I'm so tired of hoping. The more I try and make an effort, the more disheartened I get. The more I wait for something to come to me, the more I get disappointed.

Not gonna lie, I honestly feel like I'm falling again. Like those pictures you see where it's just a character minding there own business and then random depression just takes hold no matter if they were having a good day. The part that sucks is that I also have no one to talk to about it either. Even if I did, I don't know if I could even show my old true colors to anybody here. I spent so much time and effort rebuilding everything, I don't want to back to the Dark. It's cold in there.