Received (Epistolary)

Ela

"So he's still concerned about me?" Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko sa sarili ko.

I kicked the sand because of too much frustration. I have so many problems tapos dadagdag pa siya sa iisipin ko.

"You're concerned but you never posted anything to clarify things?" I pointed at no one.

"You're concerned but you didn't make things better and you cut me off?"

I looked like a child crying helplessly. I wanted to be alone so bad to clear my head off but my mind only thinks about him.

Kahit na he broke my heart. Even if he left me alone to fix my own shit. I still want him.

I cried my eyes out for a few more hours before deciding to go back inside the hotel I'm staying at.

I washed myself and cried a little bit more before laying down the bed. I'll just sleep since it's late and I don't have the appetite to eat.

I wish I can stay here longer or probably forever but I promised Sienna and Kylle that I'll be back after two days.

I was about to doze off when I heard knocks. I ignored it dahil mahina ako sa sounds and baka sa kabilang room pala.

"What the fuck?" I irritatedly got up since the knockings got louder and persistent.

If this is not important I will kick whoever this is in the face.

"Eat this and go to sleep."

He went in without even waiting for me. He didn't even ask for my permission.

I followed him and found him fixing the table already. He bought me Tonkatsu with soup and salad.

Wait...

He bought food enough for two people. For the two of us. Did he remember that I started hating eating alone after I got closer to him?

Probably not.

I sat in front of him like I used to do all the time. He opened the lids of the containers for me and pushed them towards me just like before.

"Thank you." I gave him a smile.

I will not question his presence here. I'll just imagine that it's just us and nothing changed.

I grabbed the spoon with shaky hands and took a spoonful of the soup.

Tangina. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. He cooked this. I know his cooking so well.

I wiped the tears that escaped my eyes using the back of my hands quickly before taking another spoonful.

"Are you okay?" He asked suddenly.

Of course I am not. I don't even think I'll ever feel better anymore.

"Yes, my eyes are itchy lang. I was about to sleep na rin naman kas-"

I didn't even get to finish my sentence when he abruptly stood up and went to hug me.

"I'm here," he said like he can protect me from all the things the world have been throwing me lately. "You're safe with me." He added.

That made me cry more. Because I know that I'm safe with him but he isn't safe with me.

He was caressing my hair the whole time. I didn't even notice na sobrang higpit na ng kapit ko sa damit niya. It seems that even my body unconsciously knows that I don't want to let go.

He calmed me down and moved his chair so he can sit next to me instead.

"Let's eat. Don't sleep without eating." He told me. Of course I can't say no.

I was glancing at him every now and then. Who knows when this will happen again? Me and him in the kitchen eating the dinner that he made just for the two of us.

"Stop staring, Lorelai. Finish your food so we can rest." He smiled at me and I smiled back.

That's the least I can do right now. To show him that his presence makes me feel better. But if I'm being honest, his presence makes my heart sink further down than it already did.

He offered to wash the dishes after. Hindi na ako nakatanggi kahit na nakakahiya dahil napagod na ako kakaiyak.

I was just staring at the ceiling habang nakahiga. I was waiting for him to finish. I know I'll sleep better if I can feel him beside me.

I smiled when I heard that the water from the faucet stopped. I ran and turned the lights off immediately like a giddy teenager.

Pumasok na siya sa kuwarto at dumiretso saglit sa banyo.

He sat on the other side of the bed after he finished showering. I can smell the hotel soap on him. He always smells so good.

"Aren't you sleepy yet?" He asked before turning the lamp dim.

"Just a little more time." I even yawned after answering.

"Hmm." That's the only thing I heard from him.

He just sat there next to me while I was still staring at the ceiling. Nobody dared to speak even if we have a lot of things to talk about.

"Do you still love me?" I tried asking him after a moment of silence.

"Of course." He answered in a low voice. "That will not go away that fast, Lorelai."

I smiled bitterly.

"But it will?" I asked again.

I was expecting him to answer a yes but the other side of my mind keeps whispering please answer no.

Please. You can always change your mind and tell me you want us to try again. Tell me you want us again. Tell me you want me again. Please.

"We should sleep." He answered.

And that broke my heart even more.