Received (Epistolary)

Justine

I found her watching the moon again. I slowly walked beside her.

"Did the phone call end already?" She carefully asked.

I noticed that ever since I came here she was more careful with her words and actions and that hurts me because I love a carefree Lorelai.

"Yes, that phone call is for you. I promised that I'll make anything bet-" My words were cut off because of her sobs.

"Will you please stop?" Her voice broke saying that while my heart shattered watching her eyes glow because of tears again.

"You are just like my mother. You always say that you'll make things better but no one dared to be by my side. No one dared to do something even if they can."

I snapped with that. I regretted it.

"But I was really trying, Lorelai. Can't you see that we're all trying? Me and your mom, we want to love you but you won't even accept."

I'm trying not to raise my voice. I don't want to scare her away.

"But you lied to me!" She shouted. "Ang sabi mo after pa ng birthday ko ang practice niyo pero anong nangyari, Justine?"

"Because I wanted to give you my time." I simply answered because that's the truth.

"But how could I sleep at night knowing that while you're loving me I'm depriving you of your dreams?" She asked. "Justine, lahat ng ginagawa mo para sa akin na. Paano ka?"

"That's why you're there. I thought you love me the way I loved you."

I don't get her. I don't get this situation we are in. This is so fucked up.

"This is not about love!"

"Then stop acting like I was the one who asked for a breakup!" I can't help but to tell her. "Stop acting na parang ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit hindi na tayo. Kung bakit mag-isa ka ngayon. I wanted to be with you, Lorelai. I wanted us to work so bad but I don't think you also want that."

"Because I'm scared. Natatakot ako because you are Justine Villa samantalang ako hindi na nga kilala tinatawag pa ng kung ano-ano." She frustratedly wipe her tears aways.

"I'm just Lorelai who can offer you love and nothing more. Hindi ka kayang protektahan ng pagmamahal ko." She added before covering her face with both her shaky hands.

"Natatakot din naman ako." I tried to calm myself down. "But it never once crossed my mind to leave you."

She broke down into tears again and I can't dare to touch her because I know she needs to understand things.

"If you won't even let me fix things for you then I don't think we'll ever work out, Lorelai."

I wished I never said that.

"I know that, Justine." She faced me and I can see how her eyes are already red and swollen. "That's why I let us go because it will never work for the two of us. We have to fix our own shits alone."

I believe in her but I don't want to leave her alone. Hindi ko rin naman siya pwedeng samahang tumakbo sa mga problema.

Maybe she's right. We have to fix our own shits and not meddle with each other's life anymore because we're no longer together.

"What do you want to do now?" I asked this time.

"No. What do you want to do now?" She asked back.

I was taken aback with that. Dati kasi ako ang nagsasabi palagi.

"Let's just go to the dinner tomorrow and tell them that we were together." I bluntly said like it was easy for me to open up to other people that we didn't work out.

Wala na akong ibang maisip. If she wants to be alone with this then I can't do anything anymore.

I'd stay with her anytime she wants if only she'll take back what she said. I'm willing to forget the conversation we had just now. I'm willing to pretend that the coming weekends are babe time for Lorelai and Christian again.

"If that's what you want then sure." She coldly replied before walking away.

I watched her turn her back at me and slowly walk away. I never took my eyes off her until her silhouette faded with darkness.

"I'll never want that. I want us to talk about us during dinner planning about marriage and not how we ended." I whispered to myself wishing that she can hear my heart breaking for her once again.

We were like strangers the next day. We carried our own baggages and walked ourselves to the car.

Luckily, I brought my car so I can spend a little more time with her.

It was dead silent in the car. Naririnig ko ang maya't maya niyang buntong hininga.

"Traffic lang but we're almost there po." I informed Kuya Ralph before ending the call.

I can feel Lorelai staring at me.

"Pinasundo kita kay Kuya Ralph sa Ateneo. Malapit na rin naman-"

"I can just walk from here. It's not that far." She intervenes.

"No, it's fine. Saglit na lang din naman 'to." I tried convincing her more.

Please. Just a little more time for us.

"Justine," she faced me while already getting her bags. "I don't think I can still stand a single minute being with you."

She opened the car door and walked away. I was left shocked.

I don't think I can still stand a single minute being with you.

I smiled bitterly. I think this is for the better. If she won't let me fix things for her then it's better for us to distance ourselves to the fire.

Mas malayo kami sa isa't isa, mas malayong masaktan kami ulit.

Our words are too hot right now that each word can burn us deeply and painfully. None of us apologized for our mistakes. None of us wanted to admit that we were wrong.

And I realized that even if our love for each other is deep enough to save us, it will never be enough to cover the scars we're opeing when we're together.