Matchmaker - Soukoku

Chapter Thirteen

Dazai pov

"Atsushi, wait-"

It's kind of hard to describe, but as I watch Atsushi walk away with that other boy I kind of feel like I've been run over by a truck repeatedly. And then stomped on.

I watch them disappear behind a corner. Atsushi doesn't look back at me.

Wait. Come back.

I didn't really mean what I said, really. He's a great friend. Better than I'll ever be. Better than I'll ever deserve.

I'm not kidding, come back.

Ever since Chuuya texted me a few days ago I've been trying to avoid him. I know that if I see him I'll do something stupid or say something stupid. I can't stop thinking about him...

I can't do this right now.

I'm better off without Chuuya. Or Atsushi. Or anybody. They have other people. They have the ability to love, to be loved. All I do is mess things up for other people and then leave. Well, nobody bothers to stick around me anyways. But maybe that's for the better.

Goodbye, Atsushi.

Maybe I always knew he was going to leave. So does everyone else. Like a rotating cast of characters, lingering just long enough to be relevant to the plot, inevitably being scared off in the end. Being scared off by me.

I hate myself. This is what I deserve.

"Um, Dazai-" I hear Tanizaki's voice from behind me. The world seems to come back to me, the dim light of the backstage area, the clutter of props from other shows and events, the musty yet pleasant smell of it all.

"I have to go." I manage to choke out. My legs move of their own accord, taking me out of the auditorium and out of the building, past houses and stores and people out walking their tiny chihuahuas in sweaters.

I don't have a destination in mind, I don't even know where I am. Everything around me seems dull and blurry. What am I even doing? I don't want to think. I don't want to be here.

I keep walking, just one foot in front of the other, just forward-

I feel something wet on my cheeks.

Huh?

I reach my tongue out and lick the area just above my mouth. It tastes salty.

I'm crying?

No. Stop. I don't deserve to cry. This is all my fault, anyways. Everything is my fault.

The tears continue down my cheeks, harder and faster until I'm crouched on the sidewalk, heaving with sobs. Stop. Stop it. I slam my fist into the sidewalk. Stop. Just stop. You don't drive sadness. You don't deserve emotion. You don't deserve anything.

I drag my palms across the pavement, letting the cement tear at my skin. The slight pain feels good, in a way. Like an anchor grounding me from spiraling off into who knows what. I stand up slowly. It's fine. Learn to live without them. You're going to be alone forever.

I start walking again, this time towards my house. I'll be okay. I just have to avoid everyone. No one can get hurt if I do that.

I turn the corner and run smack into the person I least and most want to see right now.

"Oh, hey Dazai!" Chuuya smiles at me.

"Oh. Uh." I manage. Get out of here. Get out of here before you hurt him too.

"You had a debate today, right? How'd it go?"

"Oh, not so good. We lost, but there's always next time, I guess." I want to leave, but my feet stay planted where they are.

"Hah! Imagine, you guys must really suck." Chuuya sticks his tongue out at me and I feel a sudden pang of annoyance. Who are you to make fun of me? Why am I so hung up on your opinion? I mean, all you really are is just an annoying little pest who thinks they're better than everyone else.

"So, how're things with your boyfriend?" I ask. It comes out snarkier than I meant it to.

His face gets red. "Oh they're, uh, pretty good, actually..."

"Well whoop-de-doo, congrats. I'm so happy for you." My voice is flat.

Chuuya looks at me in confusion and slight annoyance. "Aren't you supposed to be, like, happy for me? You brought us together, you know."

"Yep, I'm ecstatic to watch you two awkwardly flounder around each other and then inevitably break up 2 months later because it 'wasn't meant to be'." I use air quotes around the last words.

Oh god, stop. Please stop, Dazai.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

Just apologize, just say you're in a bad mood. You can't ruin the only relationship you still have left.

But I can't control it, I hate him so much right now. I feel like I'm going to barf. Stopstopstop. I regret the words before I even say them.

"I meant what I said. I genuinely don't understand how someone like you has a boyfriend! I mean, you're just a goddamn jerk all the time, to literally everyone, you're always angry and make horrible decisions! And you cling on to everyone in your life like a pathetic little dog! I don't even know why I'm friends with you, let alone why I helped you. Just leave me alone!"

Oh god, what did you do?

Chuuya's face twists into a scowl. Then he explodes. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you, you waste of space! Stop acting like you're the center of the fucking universe! Why don't you try knowing what it feels like to always be everybody's second choice before you call me a pathetic dog! Do you know how nice it was for me to have somebody who I thought really got me? I enjoyed being your friend, okay? I admit it! But it looks like that was a mistake and you're just some jerk with a reputation you don't deserve. I hope I never have to see your goddamn face again!"

One second I'm standing next to him, the next I'm on the ground and he's running away from me. I lift my hand to my face. It stings. He punched me?

Damn, that kid can really punch. Something bubbles up inside of me. I burst out laughing, curling my scratched-up hands into fists and hugging myself. Haha, now you really have no friends!

The laughs become sobs and now I'm sitting on the sidewalk crying for the second time today.

You're pathetic.

I curl my arms tighter around myself.

You have no one. No friends, no family. No one to care.

The cold cement presses against my legs.

It's what you deserve.

I can hear birds chirping, almost like they're laughing at me.

You push everyone away. You're the pathetic dog. Everything would be better if you hadn't been born.

Just stop trying. You don't deserve to try.

You don't deserve anything.

1128 words