When My Life Changed

Chapter Five

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. This time though, I don’t want to go to sleep and forget about everything that’s happening in my life. My eyes are wide open and my head isn’t spinning. I feel alive! Why can’t I feel like this every day? I wish I could.

Even when I get home later in the day I feel good. I don’t want to sit in my room playing my iPod. I want to be free, like the air; the wind. I want to dance and sing until my throat goes hoarse. I put on my boots and run out to the paddock where the newly baled hay is waiting to be picked up by the buyers.

And yet, when I feel so alive, all I can think of is a Disney song. I shrug and start singing anyway.

“I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendid. Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?”

I sing until I hear my name being called. Time for tea. I don’t want to go back into the stuffy house. I want to stay out here until it gets dark. If I go back inside then I’ll get caught up by doing the dishes or my neglected homework.  

I eat my food, mostly in silence, then afterwards I rush back outside. I walk in the orange-gold light from the sun for the very few minutes that the colour shows. This is my favourite colour. It makes everything look red and orange and gold at the same time. I feel alive and free.

...

The morning comes and I feel bad again. I want to feel good; I try remembering what my blood felt like last night , but nothing happens to lighten my mood. I struggle to even open my eyes when my alarm goes off. I just switch it off and dose while I wait for the next one to go off. It beeps and I turn it off then promptly go back into a deep sleep.

“Lavina.”

“NO!” I think I can hear myself saying this, but I’m still in the land of Lala, where anything can happen, so I’m not quite sure. I see Carol walk away from my partially opened door and roll over to make the image to go away. As if that will help!

I know I must’ve seen her and said that to her because I can’t close my eyes anymore. I get out of my warm bed and amble groggily to the bathroom. Two minutes later I walk out.

I walk back to my room and get changed into my school clothes. I hate the dresses that we have to wear: they never fit properly. I prefer the shorts: they’re restricting, but much more practical. I can’t run in a dress.

I get on the bus and go to school.

I have English first up. What joy! Not. I never even learn anything.

Today Mr Bahl decides that we all have to pair up with the person of his choice. I get paired up with Benji. I try not to let my breathing become any faster than a regular pace. I haven’t had a crush on him for very long, only a few months or so. I try to talk myself out of liking anyone; I don’t want to get hurt again, but I can’t find anything about him that’s not to like. 

All through the lesson I act nearly casual. I don’t think he suspects anything. I know from experience not to tell someone that you like them. They act as if you’re putty in their hands.

The day drifts slowly by. By the time it gets to lunch-time, I’m exhausted and just want to go home and sleep. I get out my computer and my lunch from my locker and head outside to my secluded spot. I duck around the bushes in my attempt to hide from the year tens.

Darn! Internet’s down. How the hell am I supposed to talk to people on Wattpad? At least if no one that I know is on I could usually read someone’s story.

I get off the internet and open up an art program. If I can’t have Wattpad then I have to do something, and drawing is the next best thing.

The rest of the day goes by. I silently complain of a headache all through maths. I jump on my bus and head home. I can’t think of anything better to do so I lie down and sleep until mum calls me for tea.