When My Life Changed

Chapter Twelve

A whole week passes without seeing or hearing from Jake. I feel dead inside, as if my whole life I’ve been making the wrong decisions. But I haven’t been. If nothing else, this decision was right.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Now everyone in my class is avoiding me. They don’t speak to me unless they have to. I guess I understand, I mean, personally, I wouldn’t want to talk to someone that seemed unfriendly.

For the first day in a week I decide to walk around outside instead of staying in the corridor. I need to use up my energy. I walk almost everywhere except the garden. I don’t want to have any chance of bumping into Jake. Neither do I want the possibility of encountering difficult memories.

I check my watch. I’ve been walking for about twenty minutes. In another ten I’ll need to go back to class. Ten more minutes of walking, avoiding looks and stares from people in the yard. I feel insecure. In the past I’ve had friends to talk to, to walk alongside, but now I have no one there to make me feel as if I’m a somebody instead of nothing.

Which is what I am.

“Long time no see.”

I know who it is before I turn around. How could I forget the voice that was so good to me?

“Jake,” I say. Instantly I’m annoyed at myself for two reasons. One, that I’ve gone against my resolve and am speaking to him, and the other because I sound so happy to see him. I stop a small smile from playing at my lips just before it shows. Jake cocks his head to one side.

“Have you been too busy to see me?” he asks, a soft smile on his face. Despite myself, I smile back. Then I stop myself.

“I’ve had a lot on my plate,” I lie. It’s not really a lie, but I feel as if it is. “You know, homework and the like.”

“Really?” Jake asks. “I was under the impression that you hadn’t had any homework for the past five weeks or so.”

“Look, Jake, as much as I’d love to talk, I’m really busy…” I turn around to walk away. I swallow when Jake reaches out and grabs me on the arm.

“Stay. Please,” he begs. I look into his brown eyes. They’re so light that they could almost be considered orange. Or gold. They’re pleading me to stay and talk.

“Jake, no. I just can’t,” I look away as I to speak.

 “Why not?”

I look him straight in the eye for a long moment, considering whether to tell him the truth or not. While I do a strand of hair falls over his eyes. For some strange reason I have a sudden urge to flick it away.

“I’m not good for you.” That had been what I was thinking, but I’d meant to say something very different. Somehow, once again, he’d brought the truth out of me.

“Lavina, I…”

“Don’t,” I commanded. “I’m a poison. A lethal, toxic, poison. I have done so much damage to so many people’s lives and I can’t bear to do that to you too.” I don’t know why, but I’m tearing up.

“What have I done?” he asks. Unsure of the question I stay quiet. “Have I been too forward, too pressing? What have I done wrong to make you feel this way?” His eyes have turned shiny from unshed tears. “I thought we were getting on really well,” he whispered. He lets go of my arm.  

“That’s the thing,” without realising how bold I’m being, I put my hand on his face. He instantly leans into it. “We’ve been getting on too well. Everyone that I have loved has been broken. And they’ve broken me.” I pause to let my words sink in. “I won’t let that happen to you.” I pull my hand away from his face.