Tales of an unloved demigod | Nico Di Angelo

Contemplating

Nico's POV:

The coughing has gotten worse, I now get a stinging pain in my chest and my throat feels rather itchy all the time and sometimes like it's being ripped open. The taste of iron is strong in my mouth and I keep discarding the flowers over the side of the boat, no one has noticed or at least said anything about it yet. 

I'm tempted to eat some ambrosia; would the food of the Gods cure a curse of the Gods? Probably not, plus we have to save as much ambrosia and nectar as possible for the upcoming war. Fourteen and already involved in two wars; only the life of a demigod, sometimes I wish I were just human, and then I remember that if I weren't a demigod I wouldn't be alive now.

I'm supposed to be asleep now, I need to save up as much energy for shadow traveling, and I'm too weak now. It feels like I no longer have control of the shadows, I fear I'm going to disappear into them. I've been hiding in them for so long that now they're trying to consume me, this is not what I meant when I said that I wanted to be one with the shadows. I can't bring this up to anyone though, we have deadlines and we can't make a stop to drop off the statue if we want to be able to get to Gaia in time to stop her rising. I have to make the jump, because if I don't the whole world will end and I'm not even being dramatic. 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even bothering helping. It makes me feel like a villain and maybe I am, but what's the point of me helping no one ever seems to notice? I'm always labeled as the bad guy or a creep even when I'm on the hero's side. Luke tried to get me to sway to Kronos' side and maybe I would have if it weren't for my crush on Percy.  Camp Half Blood isn't my safe haven. They have casted me aside countless times and only try to get a hold of me when they need something. They shoot glares at me and whisper about me, I used to think it was because I was a child of Hades but Hazel is well received and the hunters liked Bianca so I know it's just a me thing. Why should I risk disappearing into the shadows for them? They don't care if I am a war hero, they won't recognize me as one. If it weren't for me persuading Hades to help in the Giant war we would have lost, but no one cared.  They looked at me as though I was covered in sewage, they still didn't accept me, and Percy has been wary of me since the River Styx.  Why should I help the people who have never cared about me, why should I help the people who disdain me?

The answer sadly enough seems to come back to Percy, I guess now Hazel too, and possibly Jason my new found friend. I want to protect those I love even if they do not love me back.  

I know Percy will never love me, he chose to fall into Tartarus with Annabeth rather than taking my hand. He doesn't have to tell me that he doesn't like me, I already know. I know that he loves Annabeth; I have known since I was ten. It was obvious he was so worried about her when she fell off that cliff, and yeah friends worry, but I could tell it was more than that, but it didn't stop my pathetic crush. I have always known that my love was unrequited, but I guess these bloody flowers really seal the deal, he doesn't love me, but he can never know. Because while he will never love me, he will feel guilty; damn his hero complex. He can't save me, you can't force love if you could I would force myself to love someone else, but it seems as though I will forever pine over Percy Jackson. He can never know that I like him, he can never know that he's caused my Hanahaki disease, no one can know that I have it. I don't need their pity, and honestly the information is quite useless, I'll probably be dead before the end of the year anyways.

I guess that's another reason to join in the war is that Hanahaki disease will kill me, so it doesn't matter if I fade into the shadows, I'm going to die anyway. I might as well die for the war so that less campers will die. We're only kids why do we have to fight these wars for ancient immortals, why do we have to hold the world's fate on our shoulders? Why are we expected to fight for the Gods that do not care for us? They mess with our lives, erasing Jason's memories, giving Piper and Leo false memories, cursing me, and sending Percy away over and over again. They use us until we have no use left for them, they don't care about these wars they still have plenty of time on their hands, they can make new children and send them off to deal with the enemies that they've created, it's not fair, but it's life and we have to deal with the cards Fate has dealt us.

I hate the God's yet I've always fought on their side. I don't know why I bother, except I do know. I wonder where I'll go after the war assuming I'm still alive, maybe I'll go to my home town, practice my Italian again, it's been awhile. There's nothing in New York for me, not Camp Half Blood and not Percy. Maybe I should go back to New Rome with Hazel, but I doubt she'll want me there. We may be siblings but I know that she only likes the idea of me on paper and not in reality, I creep her out, and she's not comfortable with me around. She probably wants to just focus on her time with Frank anyways. 

Yeah Italy sounds nice, maybe I'll get a villa and stay there until I die. I can make arrangements to be buried beside my mother. Maybe I'll find someone to love me, if I fall in love with somebody else will the disease go away. I really should do some research but that's hard to do in the middle of the sea in the middle of a war. I'll look into it once I have my own little villa. And with that finally thought I drift off into a dreamless sleep for the first time in what feels like eons.