Growing Wings: My Avian Journal

3/22 - uh oh!

3/22

happy vast error day go read vast error. do it 4 me pensive shrimp

anyways i'm back. i actually haven't been listening but my back has hurt a LOT more than normal lately for no reason, and it's been getting on my nerves so i thought maybe it was a sign to return. so. here now. i'm gonna start listening again and maybe start meditating consistently because meditation is. very hard for me still.

for current progress, not much. my back hurts like hell for no real reason

3/28

admittedly fell off the avian grind again. hyperfixations got too real. turns out i'm most likely going to megaplex this year and i'm so excited!!!! i'm going w my irl it's gonna be so fun.

anyways, ik i just said i'm back but the furry fandom is a fickle special interest of mine so i'm gonna enjoy it while i can lol. i won't post this update until i actually come back i think lol

4/8

hi guys. bad news. i'm having. quite a crisis about this avian stuff.

little bit of context, i have schizophrenia (bet u didn't know that. i didn't either for a while, so this went over about as well as you'd think). i've had delusions and episodes before, but now that i'm more aware that i have issues perceiving reality, im admittedly a little shaken up by the whole mythical thing.

if it's not obvious, i can't convince my brain that this isn't a delusion. there's a little thing in the back of my mind telling me that i'll never have wings and that i've just convinced myself arbitrarily that i will.

THIS IS VERY BAD! not even with the idea that i'd leave the community or stop growing wings. being an avian is such a big and important part of my identity, i'd lose a lot of who i am by dropping it (it's also the only reason i haven't killed myself yet but shhh no one needs to know that)

so. does anyone have any way to affirm this is real past "don't worry it is real it's ok". like any more concrete evidence that i or any of us are not completely delusional. i would really appreciate that

i probably won't kill myself this time dw. i'm only having this issue with the avian part of me since i do have concrete evidence magical girls are real (i've seen one irl once), and even though it's not as important to me as the avian part, its still something important enough to keep me alive if that makes sense

sorry 4 being a little scary here. don't forget to treat schizophrenic people and people with demonized disorders with love! god do we need it

- tommy