The Girls Are All Grown Up

NeW note

Hiya Lovelies

I have a question...

What do you think of me sharing a new story with you guys?

Not a fanfic, an original story by moi?

I was missing some things for a while, especially courage to admit that I'm not always fine. That I have hard days and good days.

I felt like I was missing so many parts of myself and just everything was building.

It's a slow process, healing. And it fucking sucks.

But I can admit that I've only been able to take the past few steps towards getting better, thanks to so many of you.

When I'm sobbing in my car and trying to get the strength to go inside to my job, I remember some of the things you guys have shared with me since my dedication note.

And then I feel less alone for the first time in years.

I want that for you guys that feel the same.

I want to grow my friendship with so many of you, want to listen and be there for some like so many of you have been for me since I came back.

I want to share some of the stories I've had locked up in my head for so long with you guys and all the parts of me that I kept under lock and key for so long because no one likes imperfection and flaws.

But I have a question for you, lovelies: What do you guys want?

Because it took me seven years to find just a few pieces of myself again, and piece together what I really want vs what I made myself want for others to be happy with me. What I wanted vs what I needed.

I want to write stories again and leave little pieces of myself in them for others to find and identify with. I don't want to have a health episode that's my last and not have taken the chance to share something with others.

Not if someone else out there is going through something similar and they need to know they're strong and not alone either.

Also: on a happier note, I did discover a little haven I'm able to write at once in a while. There's a bookstore close to home that has a little cafe, so when I can I get little brother up and we head there-- we can browse shelves of books, talk about stories, and then he sits and reads while I write. And on the bad days he holds my hand while I try to write, to make sure I'm okay (I type with one hand at those times and I'm a bit slower). On the really good days around work, we go to a park or somewhere with a swing set and I'll sometimes write in a notebook while he plays close enough that I don't freak out. But honestly if he's in the bathroom too long I freak out these days.

You guys read my dedication chapter before about how bad things had gotten, and now I get to tell you that I'm not totally amazing, but slowly, I'm still trying to not give up on healing.

So those of you who were so kind, patient, and understanding-- those who messaged me and told me about your own stories. Those who commented and had gone through similar things, or even totally different struggles but still struggles, please don't give up like I did. Don't give up on yourselves or healing.

Because once you give up it takes you down worse roads before you can get back to try again.