love to hate you.

"Mon amour"

I run as fast as I could to get back to the hotel and straight to his room. I knock but he doesn't open..

I fucked up. I have no clue what this is between us but somehow always one of us manages to destroy everything when we get closer.

Maybe I should leave and just get back to bed.

But I can't. My feet aren't moving. I slid down on his door and started crying. I was so tired of this shit..

Lost in my thoughts I didn't realise someone standing next to me "What are you doing here Emilia?". I look up shocked. It was Pierre. And he looked just as miserable as I did.

"What are we doing Pierre? What is all this?" He helps me back up and we get inside his room. We sit down on his bed next to each other, both looking at the floor.

He takes a deep breath "I'm sorry for everything I did. I never meant to actually hurt you it's just-" he interrupts himself but doesn't continue.

"We used to be best friends.. where did we took the wrong path..?"

"It's my fault. It's all my fault" he starts "I never should've.. I don't know everything I do, I do wrong.. when it comes to you it seems like I can't do anything right.."

I turn towards him "that's not true.. don't take the whole blame on yourself."

He's still looking at the floor, shaking his head "ever since that night back in monaco things went down hill. It was a mistake I know that now."

Why does his words cut deeper then any knife..? "Pierre look at me." I say while I gently push his face towards me.

He is now facing me but tries to avoid the eye contact. "Look me in my eyes and tell me again that we made a mistake that night" I wait for him to look up and he does.

His eyes look just as tired as mine. All this fighting, the ups and downs are not easy to swallow for both of us.

He finally answers but his voice is only a whisper "I wish I wouldn't have to do that... but it was a mistake. We both know it." He says not breaking the eye contact once.

His eyes tear up a bit but I don't know why.. at this point I was just confused. "What about Zandvoort?" I ask him.

Something in his eyes lights up for a second but then it's gone once again "another mistake".

I nod and turn my face away from him looking back on the floor. I'm not angry at him.. I'm just.. hurt.

He lifts my chin up towards him with one finger underneath, making me look at him "I'm sorry Lia. For everything.."

I'm only able to nod, not a single word comes from my lips. I get lost in his eyes once again, which has become an easy thing for me to do lately.

We come closer, our lips only inches apart so I could feel his breath on mine. Both of us doesn't dare to break the eye contact nor to do the next step.

I lift my hand up to his cheek and he slightly leans into my touch, closing his eyes for a brief second. He sighs before he opens his eyes again. He leans his forehead against mine.

"Can you forgive me for everything I've done..?" He asks, his voice only a whisper anymore. I wasn't sure but I nodded. "I need you to say it" he adds.

I look up to him "you did hurt me I won't lie. Many times. But why did you do it..?" my voice so weak that I don't recognise her myself.

"I don't know Lia.. I wish I would know. Every time- I don't know.. I'm not doing it on purpose but somehow i always end up hurting you and that has to stop. I-" he takes a deep breath "It will stop now."

"W-what is that supposed to mean?"

"I think it's better if we stay away from each other. For both of us.." my eyes tear up from the words that just left his mouth.

"W-what..?" I whisper.

He lifts his hand up to my cheek wiping a tear away. "I'm sorry mon amour. It's the best.. for both of us." his voice is trembling, filled with pain.

I shake my head "No Pierre, I don't want to loose you again".

He gets up and walks towards the door. I follow him, unsure what to do. Just now I realise that I'm shaking. He opens the door and steps aside.

"I think it's better if you leave now.." he doesn't look at me. I step right in front of him, placing my hand on his chest.

"Please don't make me leave, Pierre.." I say while tears keep falling from my face.

He wipes them away. His voice is just as weak as mine "Emilia.. please. It's the best for both of us.".

I'm unable to fight anymore. I just nod and get outside of his room but turn around again. He gives me a sad smile but closes the door without hesitation.

I wanted to run to Arthur and Charles.. but they didn't knew the whole story and I wasn't able to tell them now.

I made my way to the only person I could talk to right now. It was crazy because we just met but I know I can trust him.

I knocked on Daniel's door but he didn't open up. I slid down on his door and break down crying. I don't know how much time passed but I finally see daniel kneeling down in front of me.

He wipes tears out of my face and a strain of hair back behind my ear "What happend beautiful..?".

I'm unable to answer and he realises that I have another panic attack. He lifts me up and places me on his bed, then he joins me and holds me tight while I bail my eyes out.

I don't know where I would be without Daniel right now. But what I do know that his arms are becoming a safe place for me.