Without You (Short Story)

Chapter 3: The Aftermath of Half-Made Decisions

Kyle

One year ago

When I woke up today, I thought I'd have a peaceful day ahead of me.

For hours after I woke up, I had this stupid grin on my face. 

Today was the day that I was planning to finally set myself free.

I didn't even care about how she would feel anymore; not when she was the main reason why I was enduring this suffering all to myself. It was because of her that I couldn't go after what I wanted, and I knew I had to do something for that to change.

For months, I played along. I thought I could keep my emotions bottled up so she wouldn't get hurt, but in the end I was the one who did. As heartless as I may sound, I didn't truly hate her enough to want to see her get hurt.

After all, she used to be my happiness.

Today, I finally had the courage to do what I've been wanting to do for the past few months. But seeing her crying next to me as we sat on the park bench where we used to sit in to watch the sun set on lazy afternoons, with the wind blowing steadily and the sky slowing turning into a purple haze in the distance, I felt my heart clench.

I didn't like hurting people. Not one bit. 

Especially if it was the girl that I used to love with all my heart.

But somehow, somewhere deep in my soul, I knew that I had to do this - or she would be suffering the damaging consequences herself, and that was something that I didn't want for her.

I blinked back tears as I snuck a peek at her, trying to assess the intensity of the situation.

Her head was bowed down low; her hair covering her face with a curtain of long, blonde locks. Even though she was trying her best to muffle the sound of her sobs, I could still hear them from where I was sitting. 

I felt like such an ass for doing this to her.

We might not have been the best couple out there, but somehow I still felt like a piece of my heart was getting torn apart at the sound of her sobs.

And so I slowly inched toward her, gently trying to pry off her hands away from her face. "Hey," I said softly, keeping my voice calm when it was anything but. The sound of her crying made me feel all sorts of things.

Hurt. Pain. Guilt.

"Hey come on, look at me. You know I hate seeing you like this," I whispered, my brows furrowing in defeat as I desperately tried to reel in my emotions. It was like my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest. Minutes passed and she still wasn't looking at me, so I gave out a sigh and slowly moved away, thinking that it would lessen the pain she felt if I did.

I knew, deep down in my heart, that I couldn't keep down the guilt that I felt from teetering over the edge and falling down into the deep hole that was slowly making its way through my chest. And for once, I gave up. I left things between us unspoken for a little while, letting her get her head around the sticky mess of a situation we managed to get ourselves into.

I knew I was being unreasonable; making it all sound like it's both our faults when I know that it was clearly all mine. She didn't do anything at all. 

It's my fault because I kept on pushing her away.

I closed my eyes at this realization, trying to keep the guilt from resurfacing, knowing that I would go crazy if I felt anymore of it today. I focused my gaze and my thoughts on our surroundings instead, reminiscing some of the good times we've shared in this very place.