traitor || sonadow angst

xvii

TW: mentions of sh, suicide, sa

I brought Shadow home through the rain, holding him up the whole way.

"Are you cold?"

"I'm fine." He replied numbly.

I watched as he shivered in the slightest, barring his teeth. I took off my jacket and placed it over his shoulders, making his eyes widen.

"I said I'm fine, Sonic."

"I know." I whispered.

"Aren't you cold now?"

"I don't mind it. As long as you're warm, I'll be okay."

"What?" He snapped. "Sonic, that's my job. I don't care how wet my fur is, you need the jacket."

"But you're cold!" He stopped to hold my shoulders, peering into my eyes.

"Listen to me. My job is to protect you, not the other way around. Please just take the coat." I placed my hand on his cheek.

"Shadow, you just tried to kill yourself."

"And you understand why."

"No, Shadow, listen. I need you to let me take care of you. And I know you're the 'Ultimate Lifeform', but I can't lose you, so think of this as an apology."

"An apology?" He pulled away from my touch, his eyes wide. "What could you possibly apologize for? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I-I pushed you over the edge, I was the reason you attempted-"

"No, Sonic. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault." He held my face in his hands. "Don't you dare blame this on yourself. You were angry, and rightfully so. You lashed out, as any sane person would, and sure, that was a factor of my attempt, but it was a very small factor. I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at myself. I broke my promise to myself and I hurt you again. I was harming myself behind your back and lied to you about it, I let you get kidnapped and raped, and then I took it out by trying to take my own life, not even considering what it would do to you. I didn't even tell you I loved you, which I do, very much."

My eyes started to tear up at the pain in his voice. He truly believed that everything that happened to me was his fault. I wrapped my arms around his cold body, holding him close to me. His breath caught in his throat before he slowly untensed.

"Oh, Shadow..." I whispered. "That wasn't your fault."

We stood in silence until you couldn't tell the difference between rain and tears. I felt him finally wrap his own arms around me, burying his face in my shoulder. His hold was so tight his knuckles may as well have been white. I could feel his trembling body and his erratic heartbeat pressed up against my chest. My hand reached up to pet his quills, hopefully calming him down.

We cried in the rain together, holding on tight to each other. I broke us apart, holding his shoulders. I stared into his tear-soaked eyes.

"I know things seem so hopeless right now, but I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it easier, okay baby?" He nodded and fell back into my arms. "Let's get you home. I've got you."

----------

All Shadow wanted to do when we got home was rest, but he would only rest if I was in his arms. As soon as we had laid down, he cuddled into my arms and drifted off. I spent most of the night awake, thinking about Shadow. He was in so much pain, whether he meant for it or not. Seeing him hurting was heartbreaking.

Soon enough, I heard birds chirping outside and light poured in from the windows. Shadow had grown accustomed to waking up early with me, even though he hated it. His eyes fluttered open at the crack of dawn as per usual. He gazed at me with tired eyes, a faint smile dusting his lips.

"Good morning, love." I whispered, holding his hand under the covers. "Do you want me to get you anything?" He shook his head softly, not fully awake yet.

"Just... stay here."

I sat beside him on the bed, petting his quills. I didn't want to push him too much, especially in his condition.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I whispered. "We don't have to." He hesitated, appearing torn.

"We can." He sighed, squeezing my hand. He took a deep breath as I patiently waited for him to begin. "Where do I even start?"

"Could you tell me why you thought those things were your fault?" He frowned.

"Because it was. When we first got together, I swore I would never hurt you, remember?" I nodded. "And then I did, all for some stupid G.U.N mission, which I realize now was to eliminate you. I ignored you, neglected you, and made you believe I didn't want you anymore, and then I left with no explanation. I didn't even notice the signs of your self-injury, and I still don't know how long you were doing it. They almost killed you, and I was completely oblivious. And that's not even where it ends!"

I squeezed his hand back, urging him to keep going.

"I didn't stop you from fighting at G.U.N, and then you were taken from right beside me. I could have prevented that. I let that man touch you, and every time I stupidly left you alone, he came back and hurt you again. I even let him go without punishment."

"But Shads, he's gone now. You killed him."

"It wasn't good enough. I didn't stop him every other time. Then I tried to make myself feel better by making you feel good, but the first time, I just sent you into a panic attack. I got upset with you for no reason and pushed you away from my own guilt, and you got upset. I hurt you again, after I promised twice that I wouldn't. And then without thinking about you, I tried to fucking kill myself. I don't know how I could do that to you, and I don't even deserve the relief of death-"

I cut him off with a kiss. His eyes widened, but he slowly melted into it.

"You don't have any reason to blame yourself, love." I muttered, running my hand up his chest.

His breath hitched at the realization of what I was doing. He smirked and pushed me down onto the bed, crawling on my lap to straddle me.

"I see what you're doing, faker."

I smirked defiantly, draping my arms on his shoulders.

"Oh Shadow," I moaned, teasingly. "You know me so well."

OK BYE ANYWAY

im finally publishing this mess. the next chapter is most definitely going to be hardcore smut. (not)

really just thought an old woman in her car was jaime preciado

ok bye luv yall