My Life With Him

Him (Part 2)

I remember the day Avery was born, I was twelve and so excited to have a baby sister, my mom would tell me all the duties I would have as an older brother when she was pregnant, I paid closed attention to each and every one of them, nodding seriosuly when she told me, trying my best to memorize them so I wouldn't forget once she was already here. She also would make me read stories to her, at night or whenever I felt like it. She said it would help her to recognize my voice.

I also had to learn the torture that was known as changing dirty diapers. The first time I did it, I was excited; but once I learned what it was and what it smelled like, I refused to do it ever again. Feeding her was my favorite part, she would make all these adorable noises, cooing and exclaiming in delight everytime she would be fed a spoonful of the disgusting goo that was known as baby food.

Watching her take her first steps and say her first words were probably the best days, my mom got so excited when she said her first word, 'ukey', translation, Lukey; she got so excitd that she full on sobbed that I had to comfort her. Watching her take her first steps is a moment I'll always remember, because I recorded it on accident and dropped the camera out of shock when it happened so I could run and get my mom. I still watch that tape sometimes, it brings back good memories; things weren't so bad back then.

"Luke?" a voice said, followed by a sob as I lifted my gaze to meet Dani's tear stained eyes as I saw her in her beautiful prom dress. It was deep purple and had black heles on as well, but they were in her hands; her makeup was smeared and totally ruined; I lifted myself up from my crouched position as I made my way towards her, sniffling and holding back a sob, but when she hugged me and started sobbing, I broke as well. It was like every emotion I had ever felt since my mom had died came crashing down and exploded, in this very moment "I-Is she-" she sobbed and I shook my head as I wiped my eyes roughly

"I-I h-haven't heard a-anything." I sobbed and she grabbed both my hands, but then hugged me tightly again as I continued to sob on her shoulder

"I-I'm so sorry, Luke..." she said as she wiped her eyes as well "Is there anything I can do?" she whispered and I nodded slighly

"C-Can you call her f-for me?"

*****

I hadn't been at my mother's grave since the funeral, I just couldn't go, it was too soon. But now, I felt like I needed to, I needed to talk to her, even if she wouldn't say anything back

"Hey mom," I breathed raggedly as I set the dozen pink tulips on her grave Stone

'Jennifer Elizabeth Parker-Anderson

May 3rd 1970 - February 26th 2014

Loving mother and wife'

"Sorry I haven't come here in a while." I said shakily as I sat down on the grass and sniffled slightly, looking up at the sky, the sun was already setting and the graveyard would close son "I just couldn't." I whispered, clasping my hands together as I looked at her picture, my eyes filling with tears, remembering her: her laugh, her smile, her calming voice whenever I would get mad at my dad, her hugs... "I'm so sorry mom," I whispered "I couldn't stop it, I couldn't-" my voice cracked, causing me to breathe deeply "What do I do, mom?" I whimpered softly "Without Avery, I don't know what I'll do." I whispered, closing my eyes tightly as a couple tears fell from my eyes "I don't know how to live without her, mom."

"Luke?" a soft, comforting voice whispered behind me as I felt her grab my arms softly, rubbing my arms in a comforting manner, I couldn't look at her, not after this. She couldn't see me like this.

This is all my fault. This is all my fault.

My father was right...

How could anyone love someone like me?