Burning Heart // CL16

Sixty Eight

"How about you?" He asks when the waiter finally clears our empty plates, before swiftly leaving us alone once more. I thank the waiter before turning back to look at Charles, seeing him leaning forward on the table once more as he looked at me for an answer following my silence at his. I was glad we were moving on... I couldn't figure out what to do.

"I don't have a story, I've never had a relationship," I remind him and he nods.

"Right, of course. Okay... I have another question if we're doing this sort of chatting and if you don't want to answer - just say," he suggests and I nod, returning my attention to him, the two of us now only lit by the candles around us and the fairy lights on the balcony I hadn't noticed before, now switched on as the sun continued it's descent. I nod as I wait for the question - aware that I didn't want to answer whatever was going to come next. "Why did you leave?... in France?" Charles clarifies and for the first time tonight, he doesn't look comfortable or confident. Instead he looks as vulnerable as the first time he held Ruby, afraid she might break in his arms. I want to look away, ignore the curiosity mixed with hurt in his eyes as it seems we both decided to use this dinner to get answers to questions we had left unasked for so long. "I've always wondered. I-I told you I loved you and you left," he whispers and this time he was the one to look away scared of the answer to his question.

That fear came to me with those words and they felt like a hand had wrapped around my heart and was squeezing tightly. They hurt more because I believed him just before when he said that he'd thought we'd leave the track together that day. I was determined to not live in the past, not when I loved the present so much but it was difficult when he'd said what he just said... when he'd completely undone everything I'd thought I'd known as being true.

I don't know how long the silence lasts as I similarly look out at sea, the hand continuing to grip my heart painfully tight as I try to find words in any language to tell him what I want to say. Trying to figure out what is the right answer. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe the best thing to say is just the truth.

"We don't take this into tomorrow do we?" I ask him, startling him out of his thoughts as he had his eyes trained firmly on what was left in his glass of wine and they look back to me. "What's said... this is a stupid social experiment, not a real date... we talk but we don't let it affect us at home?" I continue, wanting to make sure that if I was going to say the truth, that it wasn't going to undo what we'd built especially as it didn't matter anymore.

"Depends on what you say," he replies honestly, leaning forward just in time for the waiter to come back out with both of our pasta dishes and I swallow as we both go quiet and wait for him to leave again. Whatever was next, it wasn't for anyone else to hear. "For the most part... no though. If you say you hate me, that will affect home but an answer? If it's a real one, yes, that can stay in tonight if you want? I won't bring it up - it's about the past. It doesn't reflect now."

I nod slowly as I focus on the pasta in front of me, fixing my hair once more as I try and figure out what is the truth, trying to sort out my thoughts so they will make sense. "You said before that I run and... that's true. In France you said you loved me and to be honest I didn't believe you but it scared me as much as it hurt me. So I ran. I didn't believe you would ever leave her. My dad always told my mum he would leave his wife and he never did and I know it was different but I'd spent most of my life watching my mum torn up over that decision and I didn't want to repeat history," I tell him honestly before returning to my food and let him digest the words as we ate our food. A quick glance at him shows me he's shocked and still slightly confused with my answer - not a full one, not yet and so I let out a shaky breath placing my knife and fork down as I lift the glass of wine to my lips and down it before reaching my hand over to his. Partly to stop the shaking and also because I felt a little sick and I knew that his touch would calm me. It did. "I left because you said you loved me and it terrified me. I didn't want to get caught in a loop of you telling me you would leave her and staying. I thought if I didn't leave in that moment that I never would. I would never be able to leave you because I... I was in love with you. Back then."