Silence can never be bought

The Barbecue

You don't hear from Joel for days. The first day, you're a mess of feelings, pinballing between numb and smitten.

You feel like you don't really know anyone in your life. The people you thought were closest are perfect strangers. You don't trust anyone. Your roommate is spending all her time with that friend of Chad's. Your friend from home is on a trip overseas and won't be back until the day after Independence Day. You feel like you don't have anyone to hang out with, talk to, or even sit in silence with. You're lonely and pensive.

On the other end of the spectrum, your mind (and body) frequently drift to that long-awaited kiss, and everything that happened in that hotel suite. You almost feel like if you can sleep with Joel, everything will be right in the world, even when it's all wrong. Even when he's part of what's wrong. You know it's illogical.

-

One afternoon, for a change of scenery, you go to the bookstore with the cafe where you work. Maybe you're clinging to the last bit of familiarity that's left. On the bulletin board at the entrance, there's a flyer for Chad's band playing at your favorite spot. That must be why he originally came by the cafe the other day.

While you're in the middle of the bookstore, you get a text from Joel and your face burns when you open it. It's a disappearing dick pic. Not just his dick. It's a blow job POV including his dick. "Your souvenir," he says, like that's all that happened. Your blood boils but also rushes to your loins.

That's all he has to say to you? You respond, "really?" He's trying to act like that whole car ride never happened.

"Wanna talk about it?" he responds. It's nice that he offers, and your heart probably swells a little too much at the basic decency, but you're actually not sure you want to talk about it. You're almost afraid to find out more. You already wish you could rewind and live in blissful ignorance.

-

After an exhausting day of stewing and sulking, you decide to go to Chad's show. It feels pathetic, but who cares? The way you see it, you don't have anything to lose. Chad can't hurt you anymore. It's hard to imagine anyone who could. You text Chad to let him know you're coming. He doesn't text you back.

When you get to the venue, you don't see anyone you know, at first. There's still another band to play before them, so they should be hanging out near the merch table and you make your way over there. Finally, you see their drummer behind the cash box, then you see Chad's hair from the back. The drummer says something to Chad, then Chad looks over at you. Your stomach turns when you see his face. You can only see half of it, but there's a gauze bandage across his eyebrow and upper cheekbone. His mouth is scabbed over. Joel. Chad makes himself scarce as soon as he sees you.

You finally respond to Joel, "not really." And that's that. But you don't know how you're going to face him or your dad when you go home for the holiday.

-

On Independence Day, you're so anxious that you drive right past the turn onto Joel's street. You don't forget, you just decide not to turn. You go to your friend's house, even though you know she isn't there. It's a familiar place to park your car and try to calm yourself down. You sit there for almost an hour doing nothing but scrolling tumblr and listening to music.

When you don't arrive at the barbecue, your dad and Joel separately call you and you don't answer either of them. Based on your degree of dread with each respective call, you realize your dad is the one you least want to see. You're not really harboring much negativity toward Joel at this point.

Frank texts you and you finally take a deep breath and decide to show up. Your plan is to detach as much as possible and let yourself leave as soon as you're uncomfortable.