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CHAPTER THIRTEEN ▪▫▪▫▪
MORANA ZORESLAVA WAS THE ONLY POISON HE WILLINGLY DRANK, the only fire he'd gladly burn in. And burn he did.
The taste of her lips had become bittersweet, a reminder that whatever they had, whatever he would willingly beg for—for her and only her—could never be, not while he was engaged to another. I'll only be a mistress to the ocean, she'd said.
He had responsibilities, and duties that he could not shirk—appearances to keep, brothers to put in place, a Ravka to sew back together. He couldn't allow himself to be ruled by his heart—yet she ruled him, his queen, his poison. He would find a way to make it work, to find a balance between his duty and his desire. Because he'd been telling the truth—she was worth everything.
The day he'd made the announcement, he had barely been able to take his eyes off her, even as she ignored his presence, looked away. When she'd walked out of the room with Tolya, Nikolai had managed to stay in his seat for a whole minute, his leg bouncing up and down as he struggled to keep the desire to go to her down and keep up the appearance of a happy and princely fiancé. One whole minute without her in sight and he shot up to a standing position, excusing himself before following after her like a moth to a flame.
He'd wandered through the halls of the Spinning Wheel in search of Morana and Tolya and shouts from the training center and had rushed over to see Morana collapsing against Tolya.
Tolya had picked her up; his face pale as he looked at him. She summoned dawn, was what he had said before starting to make his way to her room, Nikolai in his wake. Tolya had told him the lights in the room had dimmed, but that Morana seemed to be faintly glowing, light and shadows emitting from her fingertips in swirls, a perfect balance of both. And he said it hadn't looked like anything he'd ever seen, not even Alina summoning light or the Darkling's shadow. It was different. And Tolya had said it felt different too. It wasn't Small Science, he'd told Nikolai as he laid Morana on top of the covers of her bed.
Nikolai didn't know what that meant; he just knew whatever it was Morana thought about herself was utterly wrong. She'd called herself an abomination, unnatural, but what was more natural than the balance between light and dark? He'd sat down by the edge of her bed and brushed her hair out of her face as Tolya left the room, leaving the two of them alone.
"Mora?" he'd whispered. Morana's lips had tugged into a smile and his name had left her lips in a whisper, but she remained asleep. Nikolai had leaned down, kissing her forehead, "I'll fix this. I promise."
And then he'd stayed with her until the sun rose through her window, seeing as her skin began to glow faintly as dawn was upon them, and then he'd kissed her once more on the forehead and left her room. And as he walked through the halls, he'd realized, if Morana could find a balance within herself between her light and her shadows, then—for her—he'd do everything in his power to balance duty and love; because if anyone could have both it was him.
