EDITOR | Akitoya ( Project Sekai )

Selfish {6}

     How selfish I was.

     A pathetic child.

     Desperate for attention and time I was undeserving of.

     The friends that dealt with my miserable existence, I can almost feel bad.

     Yet at the same time, it's not my fault, is it?

     I was only ill, the belief I'd die soon held over my head.

     As though it was a threat.

     I was only a child, wishing for life.

     How selfish I was.
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     "Toya, hun, come here," his mother shouted, standing in front of the opened door. The small child quietly walked out of his bedroom, his body aching as exhaustion filled him, yet he forced himself to go towards his mom. He looked upon the shorter, green haired girl, one of his best friends. He smiled gently, though his face expressed nothing, only remaining blank, an uncolored piece of paper.

     "H-hello, Aoyagi," she would stutter over herself, though her face showed only excitement, one of the boy's hospital visits having alas ended.
     "Hi, Kusanagi, wanna go to my room?"
     "Mhm!" She eagerly nodded as they walked to his room, bedsheets and clothes placed improperly, forever to remain that way. He shut his door, his slight smile fading as he looked at her, his voice sounding more confused.

     "Why didn't you visit me last time?" He questioned, the girl's eyes slightly widening as the words came out of his mouth.
     "Oh, I-I didn't have time, I'm sorry, Aoyagi."
     "You, you swore you'd visit with Akiyama!"
     "I'll visit next time, I swear, Aoyagi."
     "No, no you won't, you'll just forgetting about me again," he sighed, the supposed victim seating himself on his bed, slight despair or misery on his face.
     "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, please forgive me."
     "No! I don't wanna be friends with you anymore," he shouted, an aggressive tone hinted throughout his voice. He glared at the girl as tears began to develop in her eyes, with her only desperately blinking them away as some trickled down her cheeks, as she exited the room, rushing downwards.
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     Selfish.

     I've always hated myself, since the first hospital trip.

     A brat who only thought of himself.

     Of course, that incident caused the loss of Kamishiro as a friend.

     Tsukasa has always stayed as one, yet now we rarely make time for each other.

     It doesn't truly matter though, temporary friends and lovers.

     I'm only one amongst many, those around me being easily replaceable substitutes for me.

     Or perhaps referring to them as the "permanent ones" makes more sense, as for I am a mere placeholder, meant to be tossed aside and only picked for beneficial purposes.

     Yet every word S has told me, the words Shinonome had said the other day after the song, it makes me believe that I could be the permanent one, that I'm not something to be tossed away. The things he- S- has made me feel and think, they stray so far away from what I once felt and believed, and I almost want to reach out to old me, to steal back my thoughts, to ignore his texts. I want how I once was back, though perhaps even then I was selfish, self-centered, and perhaps I am now.