"Alrighty pinky boy" Walter says as he claps his hands together in a determined fatherly manner. "You and I, we're gonna bake some tasty little treats that any junkie this side of Albuquerque simply won't be able to resist!"
Jesse responds nonchalantly, "Uhhh, yea sure man, that's great and all, but look around. How are we gonna bake with all this lab equipment?"
"Listen up Jessers, have I ever told you about an old trick I used to do back in my college days? It's a precise practice known as scamming the elderly on kijij."
"I dunnno Mistuh White, that sounds a little morally ambiguous."
"Jesse, listen, it's not like we're breaking bad or anything. We're just gonna be baking badly for a little while. Did I ever tell you about why I got into this business in the first place?"
"Uhh no," Jesse responded clenching as he remembered a difficult time in his life. "You sort of just threatened my life and threw me in the back of your trunk, shouting 'JESSE WE HAVE TO COOK! JESSE WE HAVE TO COOK! JESSE WE HAVE TO COOK!' It was a little awkward on my part, to be honest."
Walter grabbed a chair, turned it backwards, and sat facing Jesse with his crouch and bulge rubbing against the backrest of the chair. "Well Jesse, to tell the truth, I suffer from erectile dysfunction. The doctors say it's terminal."
"Damn Mistuh White, I had no idea. This whole time I thought you were just bad at pleasuring a woman, but really you're being like, spited by god. You know, I actually had an Aunt who died from the same thing."
Walter puts his hand to his head in anguish. "Jesse, it's alright. What's important now is getting the proper funds for Viagra. Maybe, just maybe, if I can show Skyler one last time that I can be one of those 'pussy slayers' you're always talking about, then I can die a happy man knowing all that I've done has been for my family."
"Wow Walter, you really are quite the family guy."
. . .
Walter parks the RV in front of an average post-war house. As the pair approaches the home, they can't help but notice how the curtains are shut, providing a sense of secrecy to the location.
"We uhh, sure we got the right house man?"
"Yes, Jesse, this one right here. This kind old man is selling some ovens, but little does he know that once we approach him, he's getting the old knuckle sandwich, and we're storming out of this joint faster than he can comprehend the situation."
"Aiiight" Jesse responds.
Walter knocks at the door unsuspectingly. The door creaks open and the face of an older wrinkly man is visible. "Heello Waaltuh."
"It can't be!" Walter exclaims.
"Uhhh, who is this dude, mistuh white?"
"Mike, my arch nemesis back at the bald wrinkly man club in my college days."
Mike squints "you'll neever be wrinklier than me Waltuh. Not eeeven close."
Walter grunts "Look Mike, I don't want your business, we'll find what we need elsewhere."
"Ohhh you can keep the ovens waltuh. I knoww what you need them for anyway. Let's just say, it's in my best interest for you to take these, and do what you must with them."
Walter leans closer to Mike "I know you're trying to be nice, but do you REALLY think that this act of kindness can make up for the DAMAGE you have caused me?"
Mike chuckles "Heh, lemme guess. The old dick still doesn't work. Too much repressed insecurity, huh Waltuh?"
Walter begins to shake in rage. "Jesse, grab that side of the oven. We are leaving, and we are never returning to this sad sacks residence ever again."
Walter and Jesse lift the oven. Upon carrying it to the rv, Walter notices the setting sun. "Holy guacamole! It's getting late!"
Jesse hops into the driver seat "uhhhh yea man, you want me to drop you home? Y'know since like, you've got your crippled son to look after, and like also your bitch ass wife?"
"Yes Jesse, that would be adequate."
Jesse arrives at Walters residence and opens the rv door for him to exit. "So like uhhh goodnight mistuh white, good luck in bed tonight."
"Goodnight Jesse, don't let the bed bugs bite."
The door of the rv slams shut. Jesse watches Walter approach his house and close the door behind him leaving Jesse with his own thoughts.
"Well shit, another day in the shitter." Jesse grabs his sleeping back from one of the various cabinets of the rv. He unravels it in one fluid motion and begins to tuck himself in for the night.
"Goodnight roaches" Jesse whispers as he stares at the roaches wishing them a good night.
YOU ARE READING
Baking Badly - A Breaking Bad Story
FanfictionMethamphetamine cooks Walter and Jesse abandon their sketchy business to pursue a more noble pursuit: baked goods served fresh and tasty out of the oven of an old RV.
