Baking Badly - A Breaking Bad Story

Book VI - Chicken and Waffles

Jesse pressed his hands to his moist face; he was sweating buckets.

"Jesse, why are you sweating buckets?" Walter White asked demandingly.

The iconic duo were traveling to the location marked on the business card. Walter was going twenty under the speed limit in fear of being pulled over; White famously never insured his vehicles.

"Mistuh White, I just don't know about this. What the hell could this waffle guy want with our baking? Our speciality is DONUTS mayun, I don't know how to cook CHICKEN!"

"Jesse, I see this as an important business opportunity. I know you're not on your grindset like the lone wolf I am, but you must understand the importance of networking."

"I knowww Mistuh White, my network is my net worth! But ever since we quit the drug game, I've been paranoid, man. My house was fucking run down by termites. You wanna know what they were after? 1 Gram of coke hidden in my sock drawer! My parents are puting me up for adoption after this! I just want outta the business man."

Walter rubbed his hands deviously "oh Jesse, you don't need to worry about a single thing".

"Yo Mistuh White, put your hands back on the wheel."

...

The pair exited the RV after Walter parked outside of the lines.

"You really are fucking pathetic, you old hag" Jesse spits out.

Jesse and Walter have seemingly arrived at the location provided to them. To their confusion, however, all that stood infront of them was a grimy old laundromat. Jesse enters first, wiping cobwebs off his arms. 

"Yo, what's the fucking dealio, this place hasn't been touched in like years."

Walter however, looked very pleased. "Jesse, my sweet naive boy, this beautiful laundromat is the PERFECT side hustle! It is called passive income."

Walters rambling was cut off by a figure emerging at the front desk. Almost robotically, the man emerged from the ground and smiled soulessly. Jesse and Walter exchanged concerned glances until the man spoke.

"Welcome Heisenburg and partner, to my lovely location."

Walter was delighted by the formality of the man and spoke cheerfully. "Ohohoh, a fellow high value gentleman, I see. What would  your name be, mister?" Walter reached his hand out for a firm shake, but the man only glared at it resentfully.

Jesse quickly interjected "Uhh, how about a better god damn question. What kind of fucking bakery is this? Don't you need like, at least an oven?"

The man darted his focus to Jesse instantly, his smile lingered. "Why yes young man! The lab! This is what you're here for, isn't it? Now follow me gentlemen!" Rather than walking to traverse the room, the mans body slid across the floor, dragging his feet behind as if he was being pulled by strings. 

Jesse and Walter followed the man behind the counter and down several flights of stairs. After countless minutes of awkward silence, the three of them arrived in an industrial lit room. They stood on a metal balcony overlooking a stainless glimmering kitchen.

Jesse stood in awe. "Yo mistuh White, this cribs bumpin' yo, we gotta get a set-up like this!" 

The man replied as the trio stepped down the metal stairs to get a closer look at the kitchen. "Gentlemen, why don't you get comfortable here. Let me explain my predicument to you. I have one baker working for me, and he won't leave no matter how much I request he resigns. He is simply a terrible cook. My hope is that you two take interest in what you see today and consider joining me as full time bakers."

As Jesse and Walter were processing this information, rattling could be heard from behind one of the many large ovens.

"Why, here comes my faithful chef now!"

To Jesse and Walters absolute disbelief, a real walking skeleton emerged infront of them. The skeleton wore only one article of clothing: a replica of walters signature fedora.

The skeleton immediately shouted whimsically. "HOW'S IT BONIN' HUMANS? I'M HEISENBONES! THE SILLIEST SKELETON IN THE GAME, BABY!"

Jesse and Walter stared into Heisenbones lifeless eye sockets with bewilderment.

The chicken man interjected, "why yes, Mr. Bones, Meet Walter and Jesse. These two will be assisting us with todays baking session. I will leave you three boys to it." The chicken man climbed the stairs and dissapeared from the kitchen leaving Walter and Jesse to the mercy of Heisenbones.

Walter spoke up "Sir Bones, I truely take the upmost flattery from your name choice. Why don't we try a little baking?"

"Uhh Mistuh white" Jesse interjected, "are we really gonna reveal our methods to this lunatic?"

"I don't see why not, Jesse! I'm sure there's some things we can learn from this gentleman ourselves.

Heisenbones replied, "THAT'S NOT TRUE! I'M A TOTAL BONEHEAD!" 

The gang spent the next few hours baking up some perfectly soft donuts. But while Jesse was slaving over the hot ovens, Walter seemed to be cooking something else in the other part of the lab. Jesse approached Walter and Heisenbones for answers, "yo uhhh Mistuh White, what are you guys doing over here?"

Heisenbones was quick to answer, "WHY, WE'RE ADDING THE SILLY INGREDIANT OF COURSE!"

Walter was quick to reassure Jesse, "Heisenbones is just showing me his secret sprinkle recipe. Be sure to add some of this to our batch before it's packed up."

Jesse walked away eyeing up the secret ingrediant. He felt that his recipe was so perfect that it couldn't possibly need any extra flavouring from Heisenbones. So Jesse discarded of the silly ingrediant and packed up the batch as is.

Jesse called out to the other side of the room, "Hey boner, the batch is ready. We gotta get outta here. Just wait until your customers taste some of our recipe. You're not too bad bonehead, we should uhh work together again some time."

Heisenbone grinned with pleasure as he guided Walter and Jesse to the exit. The prospects for future business seemed massive. But little did Heisenbones know, the product was lacking Walters key ingrediant.