Love Is . . .

Chapter 30

       It was almost like a period of mourning. We muddled through the day-to-day chores, occasionally wiping away a tear. But like most things, time mended the wound. You would have thought we won the lottery whenever we got a letter from Graham periodically telling us of his travels and all the ways God was providing. I could feel his joy and excitement. He was where he was meant to be, and I eventually came to peace with it. My correspondence was filled with Natalie. Every day, it seemed she was doing something new that I didn't want him to miss. Graham responded like a proud father, but he always had questions about how I was doing and if I had found happiness. It was his gentle way of telling me not to wait for him.

There was a restlessness building in me, but for what I couldn't quite say. I attended church with Ms. Mae regularly, and I eventually befriended some other young adults, but it was a young woman named Claire that I grew closest to. One day, when Natalie was two years old, I was running late to church due to an unexpected toddler tantrum over not being able to wear her favorite princess costume that was currently in the wash. I was trying my best to sneak in the sanctuary so as not to disturb the ongoing service. But it was packed, and I was having difficulty finding an open seat. Ms. Mae wasn't with me because she had gone to spend the weekend with her sister in another town. I went down the middle aisle, thinking I saw an open spot toward the front, but as I got closer, I saw a small child was there. Embarrassed and feeling like all eyes were on me, I turned with my head down and surely a red face to go back up the aisle.

Suddenly, I feel a soft touch on my right arm. I turn to see a woman about my age with bright red curly hair, a pale face covered in freckles, and friendly hazel eyes looking up at me.

"Sit here," she whispers and scoots over to give me room. I do so quickly and whisper my thanks. "Where's your daughter?" she asks. I was surprised that she would ask about Natalie, as most seem uncomfortable to do so for whatever the reason, it takes me a second to answer.

"She's in the nursery today. She's not having a very good morning."

She gives me a sympathetic smile and turns to listen to the preacher. When the service is over, and I'm gathering up my things, Claire turns to me and asks,

"Will you and your daughter join me for lunch?"

I am touched by her offer, but I decline on the basis that a two year old and restaurants aren't the best combination. She laughs and counters with an offer of lunch at a park instead. We grab Natalie from the nursery. She is now all smiles and dimples as she is showing me the craft she made all by herself. It is a cross made out of Popsicle sticks and stick-on jewels. We decided to take my car to get the fast food and head to the local park.

Claire is patient and doesn't seem the least bit annoyed at us being interrupted a hundred times by Natalie. When I am satisfied that my daughter has ate enough of her chicken nuggets, we move to the playground equipment. Claire and I have to tag team the rambunctious child to keep her from falling off. After an hour of playing, Natalie starts to rub her eyes. I tell Claire that I should get her home for her nap. Claire jokes that she thinks she could use one as well. We drive back to the church so she can get her car. Before she steps out of my vehicle, she turns to me and states with a smile,

"Next time, let's do an indoor playground. That way, Natalie can run all around without falling off, and we can enjoy sitting in the air conditioning."

"Deal. That sounds perfect!" I say with a big smile in return.

After all these years, I had finally found a best friend. Claire was the first person to reach out not just to me but also to Natalie knowing we were a packaged deal. She never made me feel less than for having a child out of wedlock, and because of that, I was able to confess to her the whole truth as to what happened. She cried tears of sorrow while my well was dry. I no longer let the past have dominion over me. All I see now is the joy Natalie brings me. Through the grace of God, I have found forgiveness for my attacker, my father, and myself. I see God all around me from the beauty of creation to the people he has placed in my life.

Claire showed me the unconditional love of Jesus, just as my mother modeled the sacrificial love when I was a child. Ms. Mae taught me redeeming love, and it was with her that I prayed the prayer of salvation. And with dear Graham, I have learned about phileo, or brotherly love. My life is blessed, but I know that there is something more waiting for me. I just haven't found it yet. I'm learning to put my trust in God. I no longer seek the affection or approval of men. I have learned that Jesus is all I really need. He is the father I never had as well as my bridegroom until He provides me with an Earthly husband when the time is right. Instead, I am now searching for my purpose. God's will for my life. Like the verse Graham shared with me from Jeremiah, I am getting serious in finding God.