my random writing book

(E) i feel like Angelica Schuyler

I like this guy. I have for a long time. But there is a problem: I pushed him away. My friend likes someone to, the same guy. Yea that's why I pushed him away. I want my friend to be happy, she had it rough with some past relationships and I know he is right for her. I ship them, like alot. I am a bit annoying while doing so but it's the only way I can push him out of my mind. I wish I had told him when I had a chance.

I often think back to one of our show days. I think we were doing the prom. He was holding my hand, we would lay our head on the others shoulder and would give a lot of hugs. I loved the fact he would seek such comfort in me. But now he doesn't anymore, now he seeks it in her. And I don't want her to be jealous so I don't even try anymore. The funny thing is that I just realized I was pushing him away, I was like "oh shit." Now I don't have a chance anymore; he basically told her he loved her. But there not officially dating. She always talks to me about him and asks for advice. I don't want to be rude so I give her the best advice (and real advice!!!) I can.

I kind of feel like Angelica Schuyler from the musical hamilton. She pushed her crush away because her sister liked him to, Angelica pushed him away so her sister could be happy. Like her I regret that now, a lot. But still I want my friend to be happy so I need to make that sacrifice. When we are hanging out I can't stop noticing how they are always close to each other, talking about things only they understand and excluding the rest. In moments like that I get a bit jealous but I ignore it by making one of my brilliant remarks resulting in their faces going red. Oh I don't know what to do. I want her to be happy but I also want to be happy. I guess it's to late anyway.