my random writing book

(E) need to let go

Boom! Blackness. Then light. Dead... I am dead, ik know it, I am 100% dead. A second ago I was in my car. I remember losing control of it, and crashing. Now I'm standing beside it. I can hear you think: "how do you know your dead?" Because I see my body lying there next to Jack, he is my husband. Is he alive? I need to check!! He is... he is alive and I'm dead... no... NO! This can't happen, it shouldn't. But it did. Someone already pulled over and probably called an ambulance. It's to late for me, but not for Jack. He needs to survive, he needs to take care of our son. I can't do anything i'm a ghost, and all I can do is stand here. I hear a ambulance pull up and it only feels like a few seconds before they are gone again.

I need to find them. I need to know if they are oké. I close my eyes and think about my boys attached to machines in a hospital. The thought sickens me, but when I open my eyes I am stunned. I am in the hospital standing next to my husband's bed. He's unconscious but he is alive thank God! And there is my son. My little boy. I am sorry, sorry that I left so soon, sorry that you have to life with this. I want to remove some of his dark hair out of his face. Omg I can touch him. I kiss his little head. I am crying now, unable to hols back anymore. My sons eyes flutter open. "Papa?" Wait I'm papa and Jack is dada. Can he see me! "Papa were are you." Oh my poor boy. "I am here Thomas. Papa's here watching over you." I can't anymore. This has to be a dream and I wake up soon. But it seems to go on and on, endless. "Where is my son! Where is my husband! Someone tell me if they are alive!" Jack's awake. "Your sons fine sir but I have some bad news. The other man in your car, which I assume is your husband, didn't survive," The nurse informs him, "I am so sorry for you loss." I watch him break down crying. We have been married for 5 years and our son is only 4. It's just to soon.

It's a few days later. Jack and Thomas have been dismissed from the hospital. I'm at my funeral. Jack is hugging Alina, our best friend since 3rd grade. They are crying. I want to do something but I can't. Thomas doesn't understand, he looks around confused. Jack kneels down and hugs my grave stone and cries out, "why lord! Why did you have to take him from me! What God are you to take the father of a 4 year old child away!" I pushed my hand on his shoulder and he stops talking. He looks behind him to see nobody. He reaches out to the shoulder my hand is at. "Oliver is that you?" I tap his shoulders. And he breaks down crying again.

I follow my boys home. "Dada where is papa?" Thomas says. "Papa is dead Thomas! He's gone! Buried in the ground! Can't you understand!" Jack please calm down He's just a kid. "Sorry Dada." Thomas wispers. A few hour later I find Jack on the couch surrounded my beer cans and absolutely drunk. "Dada when are we gonna eat?" Thomas asks. "Never. Go get something yourself!" I want to slap him in the face. Come on Jack get yourself together! I watched my son go to bed after eating a bland piece of bread and still with his clothes on. The next morning Jack is crying on the phone, "Alina can you help me, please. I can't do this alone! I just miss him so much. And I sended my little bog to bed without food! I am a horrible dad!"

Later that day Alina moved in with them. She is an amazing women and so kind to my son. Thomas starts to call Alina mom, I don't mind because it means he's moving on. Aline cooks, cleans, takes my son to school, takes Jack to therapy and work and is overall amazing. Jack is starting to get better to. He starts to work more days and is becoming happier. He also stopped drinking!

I notice Jack's behavior changing towards Alina. He is starting to get more flirty and nervous around her. And than one a Sunday morning this happened: "Alina ca I talk to you." "Sure." "You have been an amazing woman to me and our son. I have had this strange feeling for the past days and I finally figured out what it is. I love you Alina. I love you so much! Will you be my girlfriend?" "Omg Jack! Yes!" My heart shattered as he pulled her in for a kiss. I knew he would find someone new but my best friend? My best friend! I can't! I feel betrayed.

It's a year later now. Alina and Jack are getting married. She looks beautiful in her dress. I can't do anything but cry. She's my best friend and here she goes marrying my husband.

My son is 15 now. Alina, Jack and him are a perfect family. They've all moved on and they are happy. I realized: the only reason I was still here was to make sure he took care of himself, and now he has someone new to help him with that... now I need to let go. And I do. Everything around me starts to fade. And....

That's the end