my random writing book

(E) Christianity

Religion, it's a hard topic for me. I grew up in a Christian household, I went to church, I went to a Christian school and I even went to multiple youth camps. Yet it's still hard for me. It just doesn't make sense to me.

There is an almighty God that rules over us and loves us. But there is so much bad in the world, why doesn't he do something about it if he's so almighty. He and his son showed us miracles: making blind people see again, making deaf people hear again, healing the sick people, bringing someone back from the dead. So why not now?

This all loving God doesn't make sense to me. He loves everyone but if you disobey him or don't follow his religion you will burn in hell. Do you know how many times that has been yelled to me. I am just walking past someone trying to talk with other people about Christianity and boom: "You are going to hell!"

Also, his number one rule is love the people like I love you. And the word love is mentioned 714 times in the Bible. But there are lots of Christians who only follow the rules that don't make life harder for themselves. They do anything but love. They break and break. It's "love everyone like I love you!" not "love everyone except gays, trans people, people of colour, disabled people, atheists, people with another religion and so on."

I have heard so many people telling great story's about their faith in God. And I have seen people become emotional with songs or speeches in church. I find it so beautiful that someone can have so much faith. I lost mine. I lost my faith. And I get asked: "Why don't you have faith anymore." Because a few years ago there was this little kid. That kid came home crying because of wat happend at school. Nobody did anything so that kids only hope was God. That little kid started praying every night before it went to sleep. "God please help me! God make me understand why. God please make it stop!" Nothing happened, nothing changed. That little kid felt alone. And the little kid grew up, depressed and suicidal. Was this really God's will? Does God really love me? Does God even care? All those those thoughts consumed the kids faith. Gone. That little kids faith was gone. That little kid is me.

So let it make sense to me! How am I supposed to follow a man that didn't help me in the time I needed him so desperately, when I was so young. How am I supposed to follow a man that can do anything but he doesn't fix this fucked up world we live in. How am I supposed to follow a man that burns other people for not following him. And you can tell me that it's fine to question your religion and that it's a part of puberty. You can tell me that God gives his best soldiers the hardest tasks. You can tell me that even though all that shit happend I survived so God must have saved me. But you can't let it make sense to me. Prove it! Prove to me why I should follow a man that didn't do shit and let me suffer. If he wants to let me burn in hell for eternity because I am not loyal to him anymore that's on him. If he wanted me to have faith he should've made known he actually gave a fuck. And yes I still go to youth camp and sometimes church but that doesn't make me a follower of the Christian God and Jesus.