Moss C. Poetry

To Parish or to Pardon

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on another plane of existence than everyone else
So caught up in my racing thoughts that I forget where I truly am
Alone and separated from everyone
Sometimes I do remember
And it fills me with such a deep sadness that I become overwhelmed with nausea
Sleep evades me
Food refuses to go down
I know there's something wrong with me
But I can't seem to help myself
Every time I try
I fail without a single step of success
I just fall deeper and deeper
And deeper and deeper
I am running out of hope for a future I can live peacefully in
I am running out of ideas of how I can better my present
I am running constantly
Because not even my past is safe to dwell in
I've realized
With no lack of distain
That I've never known a moment of true peace
I've never felt content
I've only ever been numb
As far back as my memory goes
I've never felt happy
I've never been given the chance
And I've always found someone to blame for this
This burden
This pain
This ravaging anger I carry with me everywhere
But it's nobodies fault that I was born broken
It's nobodies fault that there is something wrong with me
Like god forgot me in the oven too long and fried my soul
Like maybe one small thing
Some important fraction of my being
Was broken to start with
And the more I tried to fix it
With my clumsy hands
The more broken it became
Now I sit here
Wondering where to go from here
If all I'll ever feel is pain
If I will never know the fulfilment in life that others seem to find so easily
What is keeping me here?
What is tying me to this life?
I don't want attention
I no longer care to fix myself
I know there is no point in trying
Is it even worth it to hold onto hope?
Is it worth it to continue to live
Hoping for a sliver of what others so easily have
Hoping for happiness
Or at the very least a moment to feel content
Is it worth it
Even if I do get that one moment
Is it worth it
Even if I get that sliver
Or is it better to slip into an endless oblivion
And never feel again
As it is
I am swimming through air
And stumbling through life
My blind mind has gone blank
The pressures that weigh me down
Have stolen my ability to care
And without care
I don't have the strength to carry on
I don't have the courage
I am scared
And I am alone
More than ever
I don't want to be here