vent + sketch book

random vents here

all i did was try my best, and this is the thanks i get? i wish i could take a break from life, be able to fall backwards and let my imagination swallow me. i wanna fall into a dimension where i can just have a mental health day.

i think i might be autistic... i really should talk to my mom about that, but i feel bad venting because i always think nobody cares, i don't get to vent bc there are people who're going through worse things and doing perfectly fine, and i don't listen to my mom as much as she listens to me. nobody wants to listen to me and my dumb problems. i'm so dumb, like i got 50% on a test recently. my parents won't be happy about that, especially after i promised to improve... i'm such a disgrace. i hate my teacher, she always publicly humiliates poor, innocent students in my class. when we mentioned that, she said, "oh please, wouldn't it be boring if i didn't have a little fun with you guys?" ...i hate her. her voice is so annoying. i hate my class too. it has all the bad kids and we're the worst class in the grade.

why i am i so unlucky? i told my mom that i've been so unlucky lately and she said, "what? you're lucky to even be in this family!" that sounds a lot like the voice that doesn't allow me to share my feelings, mom. people keep saying i take things so personal. that helps a lot with my intrusive thoughts... i'm being sarcastic. sometimes i just want people to pay attention and fix me. i need something to fix me, please.

i hate myself. i'm so sick of myself. why can't i look like her? why am i so fat? should i starve myself? work out more? go on a diet? my face cheeks look so fat too. what am i, a chipmunk? why do simple bodily functions have to be seen as ugly? the majority of us humans have them, so that makes us equal and we shouldn't have to worry about it... but then the expectations of the looks of a woman came. i wish i could outline in a marker where i take the scissors and cut out the excess. the weight on my back is a health hazard. i'd rather be anybody else. your friends are so cool, dude. you go out every night in your daddy's nice car with your pretty face and trustworthy boyfriend. i wanna be you so badly and you don't even know me. you're living the life.

why can't we all just be understanding and accepting like before? what the fuck happened to that? why are lgbtq+, different races, and genders seen as a joke now?

why'd i have to be born in the generation where everything is shit?

at this point, i don't want to argue with people, especially my mom. i just say, "ok." and it saves me from a pointless argument. i finally get it now. it's a cycle. you say something and i just have to listen to you, no matter how tedious it is. otherwise, if i so much as have a say in something, everything falls apart, all hell breaks loose. i finally get it now.

but when the people continue talking about it, it's like, "i said ok. do you know what 'ok' means? can you shut up?" i also hate when i hear something from someone, i misunderstand it and say, "oh, i thought you meant this," and they're like, "oH bUt i mEanT tHiS" ...no fucking kidding, sherlock. why do you think i said THOUGHT? that means PAST TENSE. do you know what the PAST means? guess not.

...i think i think too much.