𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭, charlie conway

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘-𝐓𝐖𝐎 | the writing's on the wall

     CRYSTAL SMILES WHEN CHARLIE comes to visit her a few weeks later. She's still sleepy from her afternoon nap, but tries to play it off as always. She hated how she had to be doted on and comforted all the time — she wanted Charlie to see she was just fine, that she was serious and could be grown up.

"Did I wake you? How are you feeling?" Charlie takes his typical seat beside her, holding her hand and trying not to show he was just as tired, albeit for different reasons.
"I was up, just sleepy. I'm good now that you're here."
"That's good."
"What time is it?"
"2:00."
Crystal excitedly takes the cannula from her nose, throwing it with all its wiring off her bed. "Thank god, I hate that thing."
"I know, sweetheart. Strongest girl I know."
He leans down to kiss her forehead, but Crystal redirects him to her lips instead. From there, she didn't want to let him go. Charlie is happy to kiss her whenever she wants and as much as she wants, but he's always unprepared. He has to pull back from her a little and catch his breath, looking at her and knowing she was the greatest thing in the world.

"Do you want to go outside?" He asks. "I'll help you get out there. It's a nice day."
"Oh Charlie, I can do it myself. I'm a big girl!"

Crystal, in fact, can't walk around much by herself anymore. Her muscle tone was starting to shrink (not like she had much in the first place), and she was weaker by the day. That's just what chemotherapy does. Charlie has spent the last few days carrying her to and from the bathroom, pushing her in a wheelchair if they wanted to go anywhere farther than that short distance. Still, he steps back and lets her stand on her own. As soon as she does, she can feel that she won't last long. She tries to walk more than two steps but her knees buckle beneath her and Charlie has to grab her, sitting her back on the bed.

"It's okay that you need help." Charlie explains, walking to get her shoes. "You're just little, it's no trouble."
"You promise?"
"Of course I promise."
He kneels down in front of her, putting her shoes on her feet and tying them up. Crystal feels an overwhelming sense of luck — how lucky was she to have a boy so willing to take care of her? More importantly, was she even worthy? Was it even right?

Soon enough, the two are outside, finding a place to settle in the grass. Crystal really wanted to be able to feel the ground since she spent so much time indoors. The area of the courtyard was quiet with shade but not so much that she would feel cold. She managed to stand up from her chair and sit next to Charlie with just a little help on the way down. He lays back, and she lays her head on his stomach, looking up at him. She just liked to look at him, she found comfort in it. He runs his fingers in her hair, only drawing out an excess of strands. Charlie realizes the error, but it's too late.

"...I probably should have told you it isn't a good idea to touch my hair right now. My nurse says the more I touch it, the more will fall out, so I just don't touch it." She explains, her voice just louder than a mumble.
"I'm sorry. I should have thought."
She likes how she can hear his voice through his chest, moving her head the slightest bit up. A lot is on her mind, but she's too nervous to say it all. It seemed no matter what happened, she would hurt him. When she was weak, it broke his heart. If she got any sicker, he'd feel sick too. Though she loved him, she couldn't stand to see him in any pain over her. Even if he hid it, she still knew.

"Charlie?"
"Yes, pretty girl?"
"I need to tell you something. And I don't think you're going to like it."
"Well alright." He holds her hand in his. "What is it?"
"...I don't think we should be together anymore."
Besides being stunned, Charlie was absolutely and utterly crushed. Why? What did he do wrong? He thought through his actions thus far that day in a frenzy.

"I just," she sniffs, "this is really hard on you, and I need so much from you, and... well, it hurts to know it's so rough on you. I don't want to bring you pain, I don't want you to be miserable."
"Crystal, I'm not miserable. I'm not in pain either. I love to help you and take care of you — that's what you do when you love somebody."
"But it isn't fair to you. I can't seem to do anything to take care of you back."
"You already do. And it's okay when there's times where I just have to be there for you. I savor those moments — it's always better to be with you."
"You aren't hearing me." She gets on her elbows, still on him. "Charlie, really, it's okay. You can leave."
"And you aren't hearing me. I won't."
It would be impossible for Crystal to understand or fathom what Charlie felt for her, considering she only had the context of one day at a time and the occasional whisper of the past. Sure, Charlie was somewhat in denial of the facts, but even if he wasn't, he wasn't going to leave her over it. She had never seen a love so strong before — never in real life, at least — so she couldn't see that it was true. She cries, but continues on trying to explain his feelings away.