Bad Influence [Helluva Boss]

0 - Pilot

Life's shit, then you die. Then the real fun starts. I'd been in hell nearly ten years and I'd mastered the system meant to fuck me over even more than the living world. I mean, last I checked Earth didn't have a system in place to slaughter as many of us as possible once a year. Overpopulation, you see.

Yeah Hell was fun once I finally kicked it, but it was dangerous. I'd already picked up most of the skills necessary for Hell when I was alive, but even my life seemed mundane compared to this place.

So I did what I do best; adapt. And have fun.

Once a year Heaven sent angels to kill as many Sinners as possible, so I decided I needed a way out of Pride when that happened. Only problem, Sinners weren't allowed out of Pride. No idea why, but we weren't.

But like I said, I'd picked up a few tricks while alive. One of them was getting out of places I was meant to be and into places I shouldn't have been. So, when the time came, I was able to piss off and save my skin for another year.

How'd I do it, you ask. Simple. Imps.

Imps were the lowest of lows in Hell. No one paid them any mind. And I, fortunately, had manifested in hell looking like one. It was a simple matter of painting some rings on my horns, getting a fake passport, and bullshitting. And just like that I was out, reeking the rewards of being a nobody.

That's how I wound up working for I.M.P, more or less. I met this guy Blitzø who was looking for someone who could kill good and would work cheap. By then I'd been in hell a few years, and by then you kinda have to know have to kill. Plus I'd been hopping between jobs and apartments for a while, which was fun, but it got tiring after a while. I figured a steady job for a little while would do me some good. So I agreed.

That's how I wound up sat back in Pride, watching Blitzø pace back and forth, half listening to him rant.

"Alright I know business has been... a little slow lately. And it's no one's fault, I'm not naming any names here. Moxxie. Now has anyone got any bright ideas on getting business strumming up again?"

Beside me, Millie shot up and hit the table. "What about a carwash?"

"This is Hell Millie. No one cares about cars being clean!" Biltzø snapped. His eyes widened in excitement. "Oh, what about a billboard?"

"We can't afford a billboard sir." Moxxie said.

"Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now." Blitzø said, shoving him off his seat. "Have you guys forgotten the kind of service we provide?"

He turned on the TV in the corner. A montage came on of us killing people. Blitzø smashed some guy's head in with a hammer. I stabbed a guy repeatedly in the face. Moxxie shot a guy's brains out with a shotgun. Loona tore a guy apart with her teeth. Millie cut a guy's head off with a spike.

"Oh those were the good time." Blitzø sighed.

"Tell me about it." I said dreamily.

"I don't need any reminding sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches." Moxxie said.

"It's called being entrepreneurial, Moxxie. You gotta take risks." I said.

"Thank you, Y/n. And tell me, what's obnoxious about a super fun jingle? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spitting bullshit."

"People love musicals sir." Millie said.

"Exactly Millie, and we're basically just doin' a musical." Blitzø said. "Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?"