New Perfection, New Affection. ~Spamton X Reader~ [ON HIATUS]

One Man's Trash, Another Man's Treasure.

You climb out of the dumpster after about an hour of questioning literally everything. Why had Queen replaced you? Why had Queen replaced you with a cat? Did Tasque Manager want you gone? Thoughts like these swirled around in your head for the past hour, and you were relieved when you got out of that smelly dumpster.

"Now what?" You say to yourself, placing your hands on your hips. "I could go into the city to find a job, or..." You make a face. "Hm..."

You walk back over to the dumpster and open it, peering inside. The pillow and blanket were still there, obviously. But there was something you hadn't noticed.

A pair of pink and yellow glasses.

"How'd I never notice these before?" You murmur, picking them up. You put them up to your eyes and squint.

You decide to keep them for later. They might be worth something.

Just as you put it in your pocket, a raccoon leaps onto your shoulder and bites down hard.

"GIVE ME BACK MY [[Merchandise]]!" The raccoon hisses, biting you again.

You grab the feral thing by the neck and hold it out, making sure you had heard right.

This thing wasn't a raccoon.

Rather, it was a walking, talking, breathing puppet.

He hisses at you and claws your arm, trying to reach the glasses in your hand.

You narrow your eyes, taking a moment to examine his features. He was at most two feet tall, with a puppet-like jaw, with a long Addison nose that could poke someone's eye out if not careful, oily black hair that's slicked back like a salesman would do, a dirty, ripped suit over a white turtleneck that's covered in grime and what looks like car oil, and... No pants...

"What the hell are you?" You ask, raising an eyebrow.

"HAHEHEHAHE- THAT'S QUITE RUDE, DONT'CHA THINK?" The puppet laughs, neck rolling in your hand. He continued to claw your arm. "NOW GIMME BACK MY GLASSES, YOU [Little Sponge]."

"Ok, let me rephrase that." You say. "Who are you?"

He looks at you in confusion. "SURELY YOU MUST KNOW?" When you shake your head, he laughs again. "WHY, EVERYONES [Number 1 Rated Salesman 1997], SP- SPAMT-" He coughs awkwardly. "SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!" He eyes your hand with your glasses in it. "NOW, GIVE ME BACK MY- GIVE ME BACK MY- GIVE ME BACK MY- GIVE ME-" He breaks off with a crunch and punches his jaw. He grins and opens his mouth.

You drop him as his head enlarges. He yells glitchy nonsense that turns into bullets and flies at your now exposed S/C soul.

His attacks stop immediately. "WAIT A MINUTE." He runs up to you and examines your soul. "WELL, WELL, WELL. WELLY WELL WELL. WELL WELLY WELL WELL- AHHEEHHAHHEHA! YOU'RE A LIG^htNER, RIGHT?"

"W-Well, yeah?" You frown.

"[Golly!], THIS IS MY [Lucky Winner, Number 1997] DAY!" He strains to reach your soul. "GIVE IT TO ME."

"No!" You recoil, letting him fall to the ground. "That's my soul you're talking about! You're crazy!"

"I'M NOT [[Crazy]]." He runs at you again but stops as your soul is sucked back into your chest. "I JUST NEED. THAT LITTLE [HeartShapedObject] YOU HAVE, THERE, KID! IT'S JUST [[Busines]]!"

"My soul isn't for sale." You snap. "Go take someone else's soul."

"HAHHEHAHEH- I tried." His voice drops.

"Well, sorry, bud, but you can't have my soul." You look at the glasses in your hand. "Did you seriously attack me for a pair of dirty glasses?"

"HEY! THOSE ARE MY [Dirty Glasses], THANK YOU VERY MUCH." He jumps up and snatches the glasses. The way his voice warped to imitate you... It made you shiver.