Burn

Chapter 36: Deny, Deny, Deny

LILY

Was this a mistake?

Those are the words I can't say aloud. I'm still shaken by the barrage of questions, the pointed barbs, the shouts and shoving, the reporters' bodies brushing into me.

"Babe," Max says softly. "Take a breath."

My instinct tells me to rage, to be angry, to blame him. But I follow his directions, close my eyes, and inhale. Twice. I detect notes of sawdust and paint in the air, because everything in this pre-fabricated office smells like it just came out of a furniture store box. Max's aftershave is also a faint scent, and if we weren't here in the office I'd crawl in his lap and bury my nose in his neck so I could breathe in his essence.

"Can I hold your hand?" he asks.

I open my eyes and nod. He reaches for my hand and covers it with his.

"I'm not going to lie. This won't be easy. This weekend will be a circus. We're going to get a lot of questions. But we'll get through this, I promise."

"Easy for you to say. You're the Iceman," I retort in a too-sarcastic voice.

"You don't think some of these questions hurt? They do. But I've learned to block it out. That's what you need to do. That's not reality." He points to the door with his free hand. "This is reality. Me and you. We're all that matters."

His certainty is reassuring, but only to a point. There's the issue of my father. "I don't know."

"I do. I've been in the press a lot. Involved in a lot of scandals, some big, some small. It comes with the territory. Eventually, they'll move on to something and someone else."

"I'm aware of that. It's just..." my frustration steals the words from my mouth. I hate how I'm crying and a mess when he's so calm and collected.

"Talk to me." His voice is soft and encouraging.

I shake my head. "Don't you have practice?"

"Not for an hour and a half."

"This isn't the time." I shove my fingers under my glasses, wiping away the tears.

"It is the time."

"Max, here's the thing. When a man's involved with a public sex scandal, he comes through unscathed. Or better than he was before. All of you drivers, you sleep around and yeah, you're in the tabloids for it, but in the end you're perceived as virile and masculine, but still amazing athletes. Women in sex scandals never fare that well. We become the sluts, the messy ones, the crazy ones. I know that firsthand."

Memories of tweets during my scandal at the game company come wafting through my brain. I was called a bitch, a company wrecker, and a shrew. And those were the nice comments.

Max sighs. "I know. It's unfair. But if you want this, us, to work, we've got to go public at some time. We can't hide forever."

"So you're saying either rip the band aid off now, or later?"

He squeezes my hand. "Pretty much."

I know he's right. It's just that I'm not sure I can handle such intense scrutiny right now, especially after my firing two months ago, Dad's heart attack, and running this team. I don't have the heart to explain this to Max. Definitely not before he's about to practice a few laps on the track.

I snortle in and muster a giant smile. "Okay. I'm going to think about all this. You go practice, and I'll keep talking to Tanya. I think for now, we should just say nothing, okay? We need the attention on your driving, not your sex life."

A playful grin creeps on his lips. "I adore you. I didn't tell you that enough when we were together before. I should have."

I open my mouth, then close it. His declarations of affection throw me off balance every time he says them. It's as if I almost don't believe him, or don't think I deserve his love.

There's no time to unpack those thoughts now, though, so I stand and brush a kiss on his cheek, then call Tanya back into the room so we can come up with a strategy for the weekend.

Deny, deny, deny. That's my new motto.