Nowhere

Chapter 4

The bathroom is covered in mist, and the mirror is foggy after my shower. I need to get ready for dinner. Good thing I packed enough clothes, although there's not much variety to choose from. All my outfits are mostly black, some might have a little of grey or white, but that's as far as my colour palette goes. Long strappy linen black dress it is, some light makeup and loose hair. Or maybe I should wear my hair up. It's too long. It reaches the bottom of my ribcage. I don't remember the last time I went to a hairdresser. I try to put it in a bun, but my waves make it too hard, so loose it is.

I clean the mirror with a towel, and I freeze for a moment. I can't help it. It happens more often than I like to admit. I stare back at my reflection, and it makes me sick. What would've she look like? Would she look like me? If we looked so much alike as people said, would she have looked like this? Every time this happens, I can't help but to feel that somehow, I'm staring at Dawn and she's staring right back at me. Sometimes my own reflection feels foreign, like a dream, like it doesn't fully belong to me. I'm cursed to live without her, but haunted every day by her own image.

Someone knocks on the door, and I quickly try to collect myself.

"It's open."

"Dinner is ready. Brody and his wife just arrived," Matt says as he stares at me.

"What? Do I look okay?" I glance down at my dress and brush of imaginary dust off it. Due to my shitty lifestyle for the past ten years, I've lost more weight than I should've, reason why I also avoid going to regular doctor check-ups.

I always feel awkward in dresses or more tight-fitting clothes. They don't fit well on me. I feel like too much attention is drawn to my bony structure.

"You look perfect." Butterflies fly around in my stomach. My heart flutters.

We walk downstairs and Allan, Matt's dad, hugs me as soon as he sees me.

"I'm so sorry, kiddo. How are you doing?"

"I'm good, Allan." Allan gives me another hug.

Allan has always been a large man. He's extremely tall and has a very wide frame, even now that he's getting older, so his hugs feel like you're sinking into a beanbag. It's an extremely comforting feeling.

"Freckles, come here."

"Hi Brody," I sigh. "When will you stop calling me that?"

"Never." He smirks. Brody hugs me and lifts me up in the air as he twirls around. "We'll be in our seventies, and you'll still be Freckles."

For some reason, he has always called me Freckles. Dawn never received that same nickname or any other nickname, even though both Dawn and I had the same freckles, although mine were always slightly more visible than hers. Maybe it's simply the fact that Brody and Dawn were never as close as we were. She was three years younger than him and had a very different circle of friends. Every time they met during our teenage years, I would always feel like there was some animosity between them, but I could never find a specific reason for it. Maybe there wasn't any animosity, maybe it was just me that thought so.

"Let me introduce you to my wife. Michele this is Aurora aka Freckles, a childhood friend. Freckles my wife, Michele."

"Pleasure," Michele says as she greets me. "I've heard a lot about you."

"You have?" I can't hide my surprise as I feel my cheeks blushing and my eyes open wide.

Michelle chuckles. "Don't worry, nothing bad. Every time the brothers are together, and they go down memory lane to their childhood and teenage years, they mention you. It's so nice to finally meet you."

"Now I am worried. I'm worried about what embarrassing stories they might have told you."

"All of them were more embarrassing for them than for you." We both laugh.

Having Brody and Matt in the same room makes it clear that the sibling resemblance is undeniable. Although Brody is shorter and has their mom's dark eyes, whereas Matt looks more like their father. Michele has sandy blonde hair and light brown eyes with a slight green hue. She's a little shorter than me, but not too far off from Brody's height, and she has a petite figure. Michele, despite being an extrovert, seems to have a calmer and quieter demeanour that balances out with Brody's outgoing, erratic nature. They make a beautiful couple.

"And this is our daughter, Talia." Talia is such a small and cute baby, she asleep in her stroller and she looks angelic with rosy cheeks and curly hair.

"Dinner is served. Sit," Molly says, forcing all of us to quit the chitchatting and take our places around the table.

Brody is working as a web designer, and Michele is a programmer. That's how they met. Temporarily, they worked at the same company and as soon as Broody left to work at a different place, before it was too later, he asked Michele out for dinner. They don't live in town anymore, but they took some time off and are going to stay at the B&B until the end of summer. They look so happy and in love. Allan and Molly are thinking about retiring, getting a smaller place in town just for the two of them, and passing down the place to Matt. He's been back home for a while getting everything ready to receive the mantle.

Catching up between glasses of wine and delicious food feels nice but, at the same time, this environment feels a bit surreal, part of me feels like I'm stuck in a dream while the rest of me is hanging on by a thread to the real world. I feel stuck in some sort of limbo between a dream world and the life I've been living for the past ten years.

I don't remember the last time I had dinner with friends. I'm a lone wolf. A hermit, one might even say. I was never a very social creature and after what happened with Dawn, I became even more secluded. I had acquaintances and casual friends at university and at some jobs I had before writing full time, but I never made genuine connections again.

And as for family... I have none. I had my mum, and that was about it. She had no extended family and my dad died when Dawn and I were toddlers. My dad wasn't close with his family, so we only saw them at some mandatory family functions, and we didn't stay in touch after his passing.

"Are you okay?" Matt softly asks as he touches my shoulder. He's looking at me with furrowed eyebrows and lips pressed together.

"I am." My voice barely comes out, just a weak whisper in the midst of everyone's voices.

"That doesn't sound very convincing."

I clear my throat and try to sit a little straighter with my shoulders back. I just realized how slouched and scrunched over I was. "Too many emotions in one day. I'll be okay."

"Why don't we go outside and breathe a little?"

I nod. We get up from the table and say good night to everyone.

"I'm going to grab something. Wait for me outside," Matt says as he rushes up the stairs.

I take off my shoes and start walking on the sand. It's a full moon tonight, the skies are clear, and the water is calm. The waves move slowly back and forward, the sound is really calming, like a lullaby. I can see the three of us jumping into the cold water at night, even in the cold weather. Smoking cigarettes outside when we thought no one was watching, and we would steal a bottle or two of wine from the cellar, drink straight from it and dance around like monkeys.