Nowhere

Chapter 18

I just got back to the B&B after my afternoon tea with Jack and I need to see Matt.

"Hey, Brody." Brody is in the kitchen preparing a snack for Michele and him, as well as some food for Talia.

"Freckles. Want some?"

"No, thank you. Is Matt still working?"

"Think so. He's finishing up the final touches on that couple's wedding photos." He looks away from the kitchen counter and glances at me. "Are you okay? You don't look okay, Freckles."

"I'm fine. I just need to talk to him." I just want to see him. I want him to hug me and tell me I'm going to be okay.

I knock on his door, but he doesn't answer. I touch the doorknob. It's unlocked. He's listening to music with earphones on. He looks at me.

"You're back, Rora. Got any work done?" He smiles, but the smile fades away as soon as he looks at the expression on my face and my red, puffy eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Dawn left this at the library."

"What?"

I hand him the photo and recap what the lady told me. Maybe Dawn left this behind by accident. Or maybe it was planned. I wonder what she was doing there. What she was thinking.

"Do you think she might've left more somewhere?"

"I don't know."

"Did you guys had any special spot you liked to hang out at?"

"I don't think so..." Matt's eyes open wide. "The attic."

"The attic? Here?"

"We have a bunch of old costumes and decorations from Halloween and Christmas. Dawn liked to go up there, try on the costumes, take some pictures. We would stay up there just going through the boxes, listening to music, and eating snacks. I haven't been up there in years."

"You think she might've left a photo there?"

"Let's go take a look."

We go up to the attic. It's dusty and dark. No one has been up here in a while. Molly told us she used to keep the place tidy and clean because she knew they liked to hang out up there. She had set up some rugs and some bean bags for them, but since Dawn's death, Molly completely forgot about the attic. There was no reason to come up here anymore.

"Where do you think it could be? Assuming she left something here."

Matt looks around. He looks lost, broken. I shouldn't have brought him up here. He's standing in front of a tall mirror with a golden frame, its dirty and our reflections appear distorted. I should have ignored the photo Dawn left at the library. I should've told myself that it had just been a coincidence, that she left it there by mistake and forget all about this.

"She used to pose in front of the mirror, wearing the costumes. Last costume she tried looked like a nineteenth-century dress. It was one of my mom's most prized costumes and after months of begging, she finally let Dawn try it on. She looked like a Victorian ghost when she put it on, which I don't think it was what she was hoping for." Matt has a sad smile on his face as he recalls this memory of Dawn. I can't see him like this.

I look at the mirror. There's something sticking out of the frame. I squat down in front of it and pull the little yellow piece of paper. It's a picture. Dawn stuck it between the mirror and the mirror frame. It's a picture of Matt and me. Matt is looking at me and I'm looking away. My gaze was focused somewhere else, but Matt was entirely focused on me with the sweetest, most tender expression on his face.

"Tell her you love her. Be brave, Sir Matthew. With love, Dawn." I read out loud the inscription on the back. Dawn used to mock Matt by calling him Sir Matthew since his last name is Knight. Sir Matthew, the Knight of the House of Rosemary.

"It took us ten years to find these." Tears fall down Matt's face. My heart breaks from seeing him hurting. Why did I have to drag him into this?

"I guess Dawn overestimated us and underestimated the grief we would be in. We were young, and we were confused."

Or maybe we weren't even meant to find this. Maybe this was just her way of saying goodbye, to leave something behind in case one day someone found these. I never went to the library again and Matt never went to their place again. Dawn underestimated the pain we would be in. It was so much that we avoided the places we liked for so long. Or maybe she never gathered the courage to leave these in more obvious places. Maybe this was just for her, maybe these were supposed to stay hidden. Some sort of ritual she had to go through before ending everything. We'll never know. I suppose there's a lot we'll never know, so much we'll never fully grasp...

I touch Matt's shoulder and he just pulls me towards him and holds me tightly.

"How about we take some days off from all of this? Recharge. Even if it's just for a long weekend?" He asks without never letting go of me and we stay seated on the floor of a dusty attic.

"Where do you want to go?"

He shrugs. "Somewhere quiet. Let's go to the mountains. Let's find a chalet by a lake. A hotel in the middle of nowhere. I don't care."

This whole thing is getting to Matt too... I should finally let it go. Shouldn't I? I'm not just hurting myself anymore. In fact, I've never been just hurting myself. How blind have I been? My mum was hurting, Matt was hurting, and I made it worse by pushing them away and now I'm making it worse by stubbornly chasing Dawn's ghost.

"Sounds like a good idea. Let's start looking for a place." Matt gives me a kiss on the head, and we finally stand up. "I-," my voice cracks, "I'm sorry, Matt."

"For what?"

"For opening up old wounds." And I'm sorry for leaving and I'm sorry for never realising your feelings for me. Your love for me. Or my love for you. I wish I could apologise for all of these, but the words don't seem to come out. I suppose I'm not there yet, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry I'm so broken, and that it has taken me this long to realize all of this.

"Never apologise to me, Rora. Not for things like this. I'm here for you. I want to be here for you." I give Matt a soft kiss on the cheek. A tear rolls down my face and Matt quickly wipes it with his thumb. "Let's go downstairs. Let's have some dinner and afterwards, let's look for a place to stay at and book a few days."

I nod. We leave the dusty attic and close the door behind us. Be happy, will you? Do it for me, please. I promise I'll try my best, Dawn.