Nowhere

Chapter 20

After walking around the stands and stores, we got back to the chalet and went straight to bed. It was a wonderful evening. If this had been a date, it would've definitely have been the best one in my books. I felt truly happy and yet now I'm left alone with my own devices, wondering if I'll wake up tomorrow in my apartment and this was just a dream.

Here I am, staring at the ceiling, wrestling with the sheets, and sighing. My body feels heavy and tired and yet my mind is restless. The hours go by on the alarm on the nightstand. I think I feel even more lost now than before I came back and saw Matt and his family and my mom's house. Before coming here, as boring, and dull, and lifeless as my life was, it was easy, and I already knew what to expect. Everything was predictable. My routines were set, and it was always the same every day. No surprises, no emotions I couldn't handle.

I would wake up early and go for a walk. Once I got back to my apartment, I would tidy up a bit, which never took long thanks to my clutter free life. After cleaning, I would take a quick shower, make some coffee, and sit in front of my laptop. And that was it. I would work long hours, and when I couldn't bear to look at the screen anymore, I would eat dinner and read a book before going to bed and do it all again the next day. Occasionally, I would attend some event that my publicist or my agent forced me to go, and maybe I would go to an occasional dinner party that some acquaintance had invited me to and to which I was too slow to say no and to come up with an excuse. In the middle of my boring routine, I would find time to call my mum and meet up with her from time to time.

Despite us being constantly in touch, my mum never told me much about her health. I think she didn't want me to needlessly worry about her. She would always say everything was good, and she was taking care of herself and taking her medication. She had a congenital heart condition that had always been under control and never posed a problem, as long as she never exerted herself too much. Thankfully, despite of being a hereditary condition, neither Dawn nor I had it. We did a bunch of tests when we were kids and the doctors concluded we were clear of it. In my mom's case, it never posed a problem until other conditions that start to show up with age added on top of her heart condition and eventually her heart gave up.

She was still so young. She was in her mid-fifties. Still so much to live, but she always told me that, despite all the pain, she had a full life, full of great moments that she would think of when she needed to find the strength to keep going. I remember a particular conversation we had one time she went to visit me. We had a nice day off, no work, just went shopping, ate at nice restaurants and even visited an art museum, and then we went back to my apartment and sat on the couch relaxing from our busy day. Our legs felt tired and heavy from all the walking, so we laid on the couch with a movie playing in the background. Despite the nice day we had, my mum had a concerned and sad frown.

"I'm worried about you, Aurora."

"You're a mum. Isn't that what mums do?" I chuckled.

"It is. You're right. That's a mum's job. But I'm worried you're wasting your life, my love."

"I'm fine. I have a job I love, and I make good money."

"That's not what I'm worried about, and you know it." She sat closer to me and put her arm around my shoulder. "Not everyone is going to leave you like she did."

My mum was still standing, even after having lost her husband and then her youngest. But she avoided at all costs to say Dawn's name. She could talk about Dawn, but she could never say her name. Maybe not saying Dawn's name somehow made it feel like it wasn't entirely real, like it was just a nightmare.

Tears started rolling down my face. I couldn't help it. Mums always know. They're always right. My mum knew very well why I was living my life the way I was.

"You can't avoid suffering in life. That's just a sad and hard truth we need to come to terms with."

"But it hurts too much." I was sobbing.

"I know, love. But as hard as it is we need to look back at the good, happy moments in life to get us through the bad ones, and I can assure you it's worth it, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment."

"How? How are you still standing?"

Every time I saw my mum, I wondered about that. How was she still standing? Because I knew that if I was in her place, I would've crumbled already. Losing the love of her life with so many years still ahead of them and while their daughters were still little. Some years later, after all the suffering she had gone through already, losing a child...

"I'm standing because I've had a full life. Full of good things that I can lean on when the bad ones start to weight on me too much. After you dad died, looking after you and your sister kept me going. Looking at you after she died made me want to stick around to see what you would accomplish. Losing someone only hurts this bad because of how strong love is." She squeezed me more tightly. "I don't want you to miss out on having loved ones around just because you're afraid of how much it's going to hurt when and if they leave. Loving someone and being loved in return, even if it's just for a short while and, even though the risk of getting hurt is enormous, is one of the most beautiful things in life. I can assure you of that."

At this point, I was sobbing so violently that I couldn't even speak. My mum was crying too. She was hugging me as tightly as her small body could. She was much shorter and weaker than me, which made it all the more endearing that this tiny woman was pouring all she had into this one hug.

"Promise me that one day, you'll slowly start to leave your shell and risk making friends. Risk falling in and out of love despite of how much it might hurt." I nodded. "I want to hear you say it."

"I promise," I said between sobs.

I thought my mum was making me promise this, while being alone herself but, I later learned that my mum had a lot more friends back home than I knew of. And a much busier and full life than I ever thought. She was involved in a lot of projects around town and hobbies. She joined a book club at the library and had a small plot in the community garden where she would go with a bunch of girlfriends. Mum and her group of girlfriends from the book club and the garden would also meet for brunch at least once a week and often volunteer at the school or the church. To my surprise, she had even gone on dates a few times throughout the years, but she said she never found anyone with whom she felt as she did with my dad. There will never be anyone else like him. She used to say.

And here I am, still not doing what I promised I would do. Staring at the ceiling, the tears are falling down the sides of my face and landing on the pillow. I couldn't keep my promise while my mum was still around. And maybe... Maybe I'm truly wasting my life. Maybe my mum did have a reason to worry about. Because the truth is, I am lonely. And I've had a lot of missed of opportunities, missed friendships and relationships. I've always pulled back before any truth bond was formed between me and someone else.

Being back around the Knights, Matt and their guests has made me realize how lonely I have actually been feeling all these years and that I was in denial about it. And Matt... I'm missing out on the possibility of something great with him, aren't I? The truth is, I've been missing out for years now. Looking back, it's obvious that I had always been in love with Matt, too. But back then we were dumb teenagers that started off as childhood friends and didn't know what to do about it. Then life got in away. And I ran away, and fear pushed everyone away from me. And now? Are we repeating the same mistakes over and over again? Life is giving us a change, the possibility of something great, of a great love. Are we going to waste it again? Am I wasting it again?