Nowhere

Chapter 9

Even though I'm tired and my eyes feel heavy, I still can't fall asleep. Being here and seeing Matt makes me think about one of the conversations we had while I was away. This conversation is one of my many regrets, I suppose. It was a phone call, the last that wasn't just saying a quick happy birthday or merry Christmas. The last phone call that was an actual conversation, and a sad one at that.

"Happy birthday," Matt said. It was two years ago, and I had just turned twenty-six.

It was a particularly warm summer, and I was sitting on the floor of a cheap hotel room. My back was against the bed and my face looking straight at the AC that was blasting cold air into the room. I don't remember anything particular of that summer, or that whole year in fact. My life was pretty stale. I wrote, and I moved around too much and that was about it.

"Thank you," I muttered with no excitement. I never liked birthdays, and it got worse once I came to the realisation that I was getting older every year, but Dawn wasn't. When I realised that life was moving forward, but I wasn't.

"I wanted to send you a birthday gift. Your mum too. But she said you just moved and that she still doesn't have your new address."

"I'm staying at a hotel right now. My lease was up and I'm moving to a new a place next week."

"Maybe I could send it to the hotel. It may still arrive while you're there."

"Don't bother. I'll be out of here in a few days."

"Well, then maybe when you're settled in, send me your new address."

"You don't need to send me anything, Matt. Phone call is more than enough."

"You don't want to see me and now you won't even accept my gifts." I could hear the pain in his voice, and it made my heart break, and yet I didn't do anything about it.

"It's not like that." But it was, and we both knew it.

"I can't keep doing this anymore, Aurora." Matt sighed heavily. He never called me Aurora. The pain in his voice became even clearer, and I knew he was holding back the tears. It shattered my heart even more, but again, I remained quiet. "I can't keep trying to make this work if you keep pushing me away like this. There's nothing else I can do. You won't let me go see you, you don't even let me send you gifts, and you won't come back either."

"I-"

"Aurora, you're my best friend and I love you, but you need to get your shit together. I've been trying to keep this friendship afloat all on my own and I don't know what else to do to help you, because you won't let me. Believe me, if there was something still left for me to try, I would do it in a heartbeat."

I opened my mouth, but no sound would come out. The phone was pressed against my face, and I could hear Matt's breathing. He was patiently waiting for something. For an answer, for a plea for help, anything at all. But I gave him nothing. I hanged up the phone and instead of relying on him; I sobbed all alone on the floor of a hotel room. Matt was done with my recurring pattern of occasional phone calls and then vanishing for months at a time. I couldn't blame him for being this mad. In fact, I was just grateful that he stuck around for so long even when I did no effort in return or showed my gratitude.

Why did I do this? Why did I push everyone away and hurt them so much? In a way, I'm just like Dawn. In the end, I left too. How can Matt still look at me with so much tenderness after all I put him through? How can still treat me with so much kindness? Nothing between us seems to have changed from before I left, and yet I hurt him so much. I thought he might hold some type of grudge towards me, but nothing. This makes it so much worse. If he held anything against me, maybe I could atone for my actions, ask for forgiveness until I deserved it. But when I look at Matt, I see nothing but how happy he is to have me back here, back in his life. This makes me hate myself even more. Hate myself... That's exactly the problem, isn't it?

I hate myself. That's the simple truth. For years now, I've hated myself. Every time I saw my mum or Matt or talked to them; it made me hate myself even more. Being around them made me wonder if they wouldn't prefer to have Dawn with them instead of me. And I hated myself for not having been able to protect her. I was ashamed of myself. So, I didn't want to be around them. And I thought that deep down, they probably hated me too. When my mum or Matt looked at me, I thought it would remind them of Dawn, and, in turn, that reminded me of my guilt and my failure to protect her. It was my duty as her older sister. I was too ashamed of myself to want to let Matt see me. How silly is that? My fears were ridiculous. No one but myself ever blamed me for Dawn's death. No one but myself hated me. I see that now every time Matt looks at me. Even after everything, he looks at me with so much affection and care.

It's rather interesting how I redirected all my hatred towards myself. I never once hated my mum or Matt. I never truly believed that they were at fault. That they were to blame for her death, too. I did wonder how none of us saw any signs. But my mum was a hard-working woman struggling to raise two daughters alone. She got home late and tired, and Dawn was out a lot with her friends, so I always understood that, if there were any signs, it would have been easy for my mum to miss them. Dawn never really cared much for school either, so poor grades weren't a sign that we would've paid any attention to. My mum had always been aware of her grades through the years, and I was too, but no matter how much we tried to get her to study, Dawn wouldn't care and would be happy with just passing her classes.

I know that my mum always did her best, but I should've seen something. The days before her death have played time and time again in my head and I still cannot comprehend it. What did I miss? I've hated myself since then.

Tears are rolling down my face and lending on the pillow. When did I start to cry? I've been crying so much since I've been here. I feel like I'm crying all the tears I've held back during these last few years.