Fated To Love You

chapter 3

Akk had always felt empty and numb, he felt that he was a dark cloud in this world so he kept away from those he loved. When his father died from a heart attack after one of his suicidal attempts, this confirmed to him that he was no good.

Akk felt that his mother indirectly blamed him, even though she wouldn't admit it openly, but he knew. He could see it in her eyes, if it wasn't for him acting out, if he could have been a bit happier, hid away his pain and endured it instead of acting on his intrusive thoughts maybe, just maybe his father would still be alive.

If he had been a better son, a good son that his parents deserved his father wouldn't have been so stressed out and ended up with heart problems.

He hated himself so much, as if all the things he did in Suppalo weren't enough he had to act out like that. He cursed his existence, cursed the day he was conceived.

"Cursed be the day I was born. May the day my mother bore never see the light of day."

"I wish the day I was born would be lost forever."

"I wish that day had remained dark and not let any light shine on it."

"I wish that bitter day had remained as dark as death, covered with the darkest clouds."

"I wish the darkness had carried away that night, that it was left off the calendar and not included in any of the months."

Akk withdrew himself from his mother, he couldn't bear the guilt everytime he saw her face. Although his mother had always been gentle towards him. She always tried reassuring him, always tried to make him understand that he was loved but Akk couldn't bear it.

He had to get away from his mother, keep his distance away from her before she was met with the same fate as his father. He loved her too much to allow his dark demented soul to taint her.

He had already withdrew himself from his friends. They were gentle souls and had so much ahead of them. He didn't want to burden them.

He was after all a burden in this world.

He withdrew himself completely from the world. Even when he started working and his colleagues would try to befriend him, he would keep them at arm's length. 

He didn't want anyone to experience the same fate people around him had experienced. He had cause his former school mates so much trauma, he had become an evil dictator at such a young age. He caused so much to people trying to protect those stupid rules of that school. At the time he thought he was doing good, he was the head prefect after all. He thought he was just doing his duty.

Yet he caused so much pain, he harmed the very students he vowed to protect. In the process he might even be responsible for the death of the man he loved and admired. The man who saw great potential in him.

He believed that maybe he was also responsible for the death of teacher Dika even though Ayan and teacher Chadok tried to reassure him he wasn't. His mind had convinced him that he was.

Everything that went wrong. Pain and misery experienced by those around him was his fault after all.

He had successfully isolated himself from the world. His world revolved around his career, the only thing he had control over.

But now Ayan was back and was ruining it. He didn't want to hurt him, taint him. He loved Ayan so much. Ayan was such an amazing person, he was kind, although a bit shameless and selfish sometimes but he always fought for what was right. He protected those he loved.

Aye is good! Too good for him.

Akk tossed and turned on the bed sweating profusely. He woke up and wrapped his arms around himself. Maybe hugging himself could eliviate this huge wave of sadness, paranoia, and panic that he was feeling. He didn't ’t like it anymore. His arms were tired, and so was he.