Fated To Love You

chaper 15

Akk was supposed to be happy right? Of course he was. He was engaged to the love of his life, he had reconnected with his mother who assured him of how much she loves him and he had allowed Khan, Wat and even Thua back into his life. He was supposed to be happy right?

It made sense for him to be happy but he couldn't be, he felt empty... so so empty.

His psychologist had assured him that it was "normal" because of his condition.

It turned out Akk suffered from Bipolar mood disorder type 2, unlike type 1 Akk only had short-term hypomanic episodes. Only during those episodes would he feel something that sort of resembled happiness, he knew it wouldn't last... it never did and during those days he would be a ball of anxiety.

He would be so terrified knowing that the euphoria he felt was just temporary and soon he would be in a downward spiral of darkness that would last weeks.

Apparently this downward spiral was called manic depression.

During these episodes of "manic depression" Akk would feel so hopeless with feelings of hopelessness, deep sadness and guilt. The guilt was what ate him apart the most.

He felt guilty on the the days he couldn't allow the people who loved him love him. He felt so undeserving of their love and wanted to push them away, he wanted to stay as far away as possible from them. He didn't want to taint them with... him.

He didn't want to taint Ayan with the darkness and bitterness that was him. Ayan was a wonderful person, and he loved Ayan so much it hurt, like physically hurt. That is why he would stay up late, take in more work just to have an excuse to stay away from Ayan and he hated himself for it.

He hated himself so much that he couldn't fathom why Ayan loved him, why Ayan even tolerated him. Ayan deserved so much better, so much better than him.

Akk hated himself and everyday was a struggle, just looking in the mirror he wanted to beat his fist against the panes of the glass until it was shattered. He didn't want to look at himself and face the demons he was struggling with.

Everyday is a struggle

Akk hated himself so much that everyday was a struggle to keep from setting the smooth blade into his skin even though he knew shouldn't so he would opt for putting a cold block of ice on his skin, the icy cold gave him a sort of relief. It wasn't the same as a sharp blade tearing at his skin but it gave him some relief at least.

He so badly wanted to tear himself apart from the out and destroy everything in him that he loathed. He didn't want this ache in his veins, he didn't want to be stuck inside himself anymore.

Oh he hated himself.

Akk hated himself so much that everyday he struggled with knowing how damaged he was, Ayan told him otherwise but he knew that Ayan was pure and saw the good in everyone. Akk craved to fall away from himself, kill everything he hated so much about himself.

He didn't want to feel so twisted, so broken. He didn't want to stay locked in these shadows, locked in this pain.

And Akk truly believed he was damaged beyond repair, his reflection was unrecognizable. It had been for a while... a long while. He wanted to hide from himself, wanted the blade that he kept hidden so deep in his skin that it cuts out the pain.

He just wanted so badly to escape.

He hated himself so much that he struggled day in and day out but he has to go on, he must go on... if not for him at least for Ayan. So he kept up a mask and kept hiding behind it and conceal the truth. It was were he buried a shattered piece of himself and he felt so helpless and frightened.