TheAutisticJournals

#meltdown

I had a meltdown today. That's it. I didn't know how to start this chapter. Didn't know how to write it in the most effective way. So I just wrote it. That's basically what happened today.

I had a meltdown, I hid for the rest of the day behind smiles and masks, and ate a ton of shit.
It all started the other week when I was given podcasts for homework. Now, I'm partially deaf, I have half the hearing of an average person one might say. I also have slower processing due to my brain damage. These podcasts just weren't cutting it for me. As part of the media a level specification it included George the poet podcasts. WITH NO TRANSCRIPT!

Immediately I felt discriminated against. Why have they made it so that I have to struggle and suffer through this median. Yet others could find it so easy and pass with flying colours?

It just wasn't fair. Id already decided that. So I went to go and tell my boyfriend.

I was expecting him to be a bit empathetic, he definitely wasn't. Now don't get me wrong, he's normally a very sweet, lovely gentleman but today he was anything but.

He told me that everyone struggles and some people struggle more than others and others were much worse than me. Mate. You don't think I know that? But here's the thing. I'm asking for a transcript. It's not that hard. Education is supposed to be unbiased and is supposed to be accessible to everyone right?

Anyway it gets worse

He then tells me that it's ok if I fail in that section anyway because I won't be going into radio.

Excuse me what?

He tells me. 'Why would you go into radio if you have to listen to people and things all the time. You just cant.'

I'm partially deaf, he's putting obstacles in front of something I might want to do in the future. Suddenly a familiar feeling sits in the pit of my stomach. My body feels detached from my head. I'm getting overwhelmed.

Just as things cannot get any worse, he mentions my friend. The same friend in the previous entry. He implies that I'm a horrible person because I find the girl annoying and the girl upsets me. Like wtf. He says that this girl is trying so hard to be friends with me, when in fact she hasn't talked to me today again because her other friends are in.

He then goes on to say that I make him feel guilty for when he's busy I message him and apparently make him talk to me therefore he never gets his homework done. 'But you haven't done that in a while' he says after blaming me and victimising himself. Where the hell did all this come from im thinking.

I shut down then. 'Are you finished giving me silent treatment' he says two mins in. I start crying then. 'You know I wanted to talk to you about something and your the only person I can talk to.' I walk out when he says that.

Constantly used. Constantly taken granted off. Constantly criticised. When is it ever going to get easier?