attention | gyuricky

twenty-three.

Ricky doesn't remember much of what happened that day. If he tries his hardest, he thinks he can recall flashes of hypervividity that come and go; he remembers Hao finding him, the feeling of Hao's hands on his shoulders holding him tight as he sobbed, he remembers going back to the operating theatre and seeing them wheel his best friend out with a sheet over his body, and he remembers the coldness of the hospital floors against his knees where he fell, heedless, watching Yujin's parents cry their hearts out for their son as the only thought that echoed in his head was it's your fault all of this happened, but other than that, nothing else comes back to him.

He doesn't remember much of what happened that day, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to. It's been a year since he thought about it of his own volition.

They drive back to the city in separate cars, Ricky in his own and Gyuvin in Zhanghao's. Gyuvin stops by Zhanghao's house downtown to pick him up to drive back to the university; it's the second day of classes they're both missing, but neither of them seem all that bothered about it.

"How was it?" Zhanghao asks, sliding the seatbelt over his head as Gyuvin pulls out of the driveway.

"Thanks for lending me your car," Gyuvin says, signalling to the driver behind him as he circles onto the freeway. "I apologized to him and we talked."

"So does he still hate you?"

"Well, I hope not," Gyuvin muses. "I'm still a little worried about him. He didn't sleep last night, and I can't imagine he slept much while he was there at all. I don't think his nightmares are getting any better."

"Knowing him, it's probably worse than he's willing to let on," Zhanghao answers. "What did you talk about exactly?"

"He told me about Yujin and about the accident, but he didn't really go into detail. I could tell he hated talking about it, so I didn't ask any questions."

"Well, you kind of already knew all that. Anything else?"

"He said I reminded him of Yujin a lot," Gyuvin continues slowly. "I don't know if he wants you to know all this, so maybe I shouldn't say any more."

"You're keeping secrets from me? I'm the one who set you guys up!" Zhanghao answers incredulously, though it's clear he's joking.

Gyuvin shoots him a look. "What do you mean set us up?"

"Forget it," Zhanghao waves him away. "Anyway I'm glad you guys got things sorted out. I'll talk to him soon, but I don't think he's really that angry at me."

"He'll probably come talk to you once his anger dies down," Gyuvin says. "Ricky doesn't seem like the kind of person who holds grudges."

"You know," Zhanghao adds. "For someone who doesn't get along with him, you sure know him well."

Gyuvin doesn't know what to answer to that, but he's saved from the need to reply; they're turning in at the university campus. He stops in front of his own dormitory block and they bid farewell so Zhanghao can take over the driver's seat and park at his own block.

Ricky's car pulls in just behind them and Gyuvin leaves the door unlocked as he enters the apartment to save him the trouble of getting his keys out. He hears the door open as he's washing his hands in the bathroom, and when he reemerges Ricky's there, jacket slung over one arm.

"Hey."

Ricky looks up from where he's arranging his shoes at the door. "Hey."

"So..." Gyuvin trails off, averting his eyes. "Just to be clear, we're good right?"

A smile ghosts across the other boy's face. "Yeah, we are."

"Okay, good."

"Okay."

Their lives go back to normal, somewhat; they return to their daily routines, Gyuvin comes home from class and spreads his notes out on the dining table to study, Ricky comes back early but leaves again at dinnertime for the extra shifts he's taking this week to make up for the days he was away. 

Gyuvin brings back an extra dinner from the cafeteria and leaves the takeout box in the fridge, and when he wakes up there's always a thank you note torn from loose-leaf paper weighed down by an empty cup left on the countertop, and in return when Gyuvin gets back from class there's always fruits in the fridge and snacks in the cupboard and ice cream in the freezer, because Ricky knows he gets hungry in the middle of the night when he stays up late to cram assignments.

Their schedules still don't align well, and they still hardly see each other on the weekdays, but in those little moments they exist together, in the same space, there's something different in the air. It's new; Gyuvin comes back to the apartment after a long day knowing someone who cares for him is waiting. He hopes Ricky feels the same. 

Life goes on. They don't talk about Yujin again, though Zhanghao had sent Gyuvin a message a week ago telling him he'd made up with Ricky and Gyuvin had sent back a congratulatory sticker of a puppy pouncing. Their lives almost begin to feel normal, really, until the next thing that happens brings fresh blood to an old wound.