About twenty minutes after I get home, Essence arrives with a bowl of grapes and a to-go box.
"What's in the to-go box?" I don't remember the party having any food.
"Ciroq, some of that yummy blue drink.. Lean. Shit... It's like five shots of vodka in this bitch. I put a little sprite in here too for flavor."
"How are you gonna drink that?"
She sighs and places her purse, keys, and everything else in her hands on the island. She opens one of our drawers, pulls out a straw, and stabs it into the top of the to-go box. "Duh," she says before taking a sip.
I roll my eyes, "Whatever."
She brings over her box and sits next to me on the couch. Minutes of silence pass before she quietly says, "I thought he was cute."
I pull my knees to my chest and sigh. The guy from tonight was confusing.
He looked at me with this look as if he liked what he saw, but spoke to me like he wanted nothing to do with me.
"His attitude was too much like mine. We wouldn't have lasted a day," I laugh lightly.
She gives me a faint smile.
I feel myself start to frown. "So I guess that means no RL, huh?"
"I wouldn't say that. The festival's not until two weeks from now. You still have time to find someone."
"What if I don't want to find anyone..?"
"What do you mean?" She furrows her eyebrows. "I hope you're not referring to Dee."
I press my lips together.
Essence sighs and puts down her drink. "It's been almost a year, you've gotta let it go."
"I am."
Her eyes stare into mine as if she knows I'm lying, but she knows better than to try to discuss it with me.
"I'm gonna go to bed," she says. "Goodnight."
"Night," I reply.
I make my way to my room to shower.
Once the water hits my body, the shower thoughts start to kick in.
'It's been almost a year, you've gotta let it go.'
Doesn't she understand that I'm trying?
It's not easy to force yourself to fall out of love with someone you will forever have nothing but love for.
I'd never admit this to her, but I'm scared to get into another relationship.
Dee was my first-ever boyfriend. He was who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
I spent the beginning of my sophomore to the end of my senior year with him. We were bumpy along the way but it was nothing we couldn't work on together.
I was the one to initiate the breakup.
And every day I hate myself for it.
I lost my potential soulmate. Someone I loved with all my heart, someone I knew who loved me with everything he had in him.
We were perfect.
He was perfect.
It was me.
I had constant doubts and felt like I was hurting him too much.
I didn't like how much love he gave me. Love I felt like I didn't deserve.
So, I broke up with him.
I left him because I felt like I wasn't good enough for him.
He fought for us, even gave me a couple of days to make sure I had made up my mind.
I assured him I was ready for things to be over.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret my decision.
I didn't realize what I had until it was gone.
The first couple of months, I made sure to sleep next to my phone with the ringer on; just to make sure I didn't miss a single notification in case one was from him.
I hoped maybe he would've text me and ask me one last time if this was what I wanted.
Then, I was going to tell him that I wanted to take it all back. That I didn't mean it.
But he never did.
He got a new girlfriend and moved on, just as I told him to.
My pride is my biggest enemy and I'll stand by that.
I say this because I know he was waiting on me to break the silence.
All I had to do was talk to him about how I felt, just like he's been asking me to.
I just couldn't.
Essence doesn't understand this though.
She thinks I'm crazy for blaming myself for what happened as much as I do.
If you ask me the reason we broke up, I would straight up tell you it was my fault.
She wants me to be like her, talk delusions until I start to believe it.
But I can't blame her entirely. From Essence's perspective, he was a good-for-nothing guy who treated me like shit.
But that's not true.
She was only there for what I told her.
When I needed to vent or a shoulder to cry on. Which I'm entirely grateful for.
But she wasn't there for the Dee I knew.
She wasn't there for the nights we spent making promises to each other about our future.
She wasn't there to see the cute, surprise gift baskets he used to make me.
She wasn't there to see him support me and get me through the lowest points in my life.
He made me feel like I had no imperfections and was just all-around the most beautiful being.
He was my first love.
And I went and ruined it.
I don't want to be in another relationship because of that.
I can't be the reason another perfect relationship fails again.
I can't tell if I'm crying or if the shower water is running down my cheeks.
I quickly shake away the thoughts I'm having.
If I think about it too long, I start to reminisce and drift off toward possibilities that are no longer achievable.
So, I take my loofah. Add some body wash and begin to scrub my skin.
Washing away the smell of secondhand smoke, perfume, dirt, and most importantly:
Any reminders of him.
